My Identity Crisis
May 12th, 2008 by Nola
I toss and I turn. I twist and I twitter. And yet I still can’t get my mind settled. I don’t know the answer to the age old question: What is happiness?
In my life, I have the quintessential things that would answer this question: The love of a doting husband, sweet baby girl and caring, funky extended family members. I have a roof over my head that we own (well, the bank owns it but we are not like so many that are facing foreclosure); I have my health; I have a very flexible job that uses my talents and pays well for the time I give it.
And yet. Most days, I feel rundown. When I am home with Sun, I feel like I should be out doing things with her–taking her to the zoo, or Gym Rompers, or strolls in the park. Or if I stay home I should be cooking and cleaning and wearing an apron and kitten heels. But the reality is the day passes slowly. I do household things and run errands but it isn’t in any way stimulating (to Sun or me).
When I am at work, I think about being home. And work files and talk to clients. And worry about needing to do more to further my career. My Career. Sometimes My Career is too heavy a weight for me to carry around. Sometimes I wish I were that research librarian I dream of being. The one that works 9 to 5 and researches oddball things to her heart’s content. Then clocks out and leaves it all behind her. The one that has a great pension and awesome benefits. And paid days off.
Joseph Story said that “[The law] is a jealous mistress, and requires a long and constant courtship. It is not to be won by trifling favors, but by lavish homage.” I think he meant that it requires great dedication to truly hone the expertise of the law. But in my experience, the worry that goes along with the practice of law in an ever-competitive legal environment is what has consumed me like a jealous mistress. Just on the fringe of my mind most of the time are nagging thoughts of should I push harder, do more, go further, all in the name of My Career.
Or can I be satisfied with my career (in lowercase) just as it is? One that provides me the opportunity to keep my child out of daycare while still keeping my skills sharpened with a lighter load? Will that load get too light and dry up? Or will it permit me to pile it on in the future (date unknown) when I want to resume a fuller load? Can I live with it being okay that I am not making the full financial use out of my legal degree? Is it okay that I not push harder, not choose to see less of my daughter and not earn more money for the betterment of my family?
Can I accept that it’s okay to be happy that I got all of which I ever dreamed?
sɪ
