“Which School Will Sun Attend Next Year?”
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That question stops me in my tracks. It makes the blood in my veins turn to ice. It is the single most thing I have worried about, revisited, decided, started over, anon since Sun was born: Where will she attend grammar school?
For over a year, the decision has been at a smallish Catholic school near where she currently goes to daycare. Let’s call it Academy of Nagging Gnawing STress (or ANGST for short). It’s not our parish, but it had the right “feel” and all the appropriate awards, certifications, etc. AND an amazing library. All the perks were in place–I like the staff, the other parents I’ve met, music classes weekly, etc.
But the one worrying doubt I have about ANGST is that I don’t known any child, or the parent of any child, that is a student there. I’ve since met a few parents, but I don’t “know” them well enough to ask what their process was in selecting ANGST, nor do I know them well enough to have a high value of their decision. If I had just one friend that I could get that resounding, YES, WE LOVE IT! I’d be done.
Instead, the few people I know that are “in” the grammar school world (ie, teachers, speech pathologists, administrators, etc.) say very little about ANGST. It seems not to be on the radar. Why is that? It’s so frustrating!
Today, in casual conversation with my sister’s sister-in-law, a speech pathologist that works with children, said she that several ANGST fourth-graders and up are her patients. *Sigh*
This friend has young children, one with a slight hearing impaired problem. Her older is in high school (one I’d happily send Sun to), and the younger (with the hearing condition) at a very small private school that is necessary for her special needs. She mentioned a school I hadn’t considered because it is not close enough to our house. She said that school was a “high school prep school.” I’d never heard that expression regarding grammar schools. Weren’t all “high school prep schools”? Apparently not.
I tossed out the names of the other schools I’d batted about previously. One in yet another distant suburb got good marks from her. The others made her raise the question of whether I’d considered two schools that go from Pre-4 through 12th grade. I’d honestly not even considered these. And now I am.
And here is where I am now. Struggling to pin down what it is I REALLY want in the way of education for Sun. To say “I want the best for her” isn’t saying enough, or anything really. In other words, what would I want for Sun’s education if location and money were not issues? Let’s start there. Without limitations, what would be the ideal school for her? Would it be ANGST or would it be one of those prestigious schools that costs twice what ANGST costs? If not, then am I settling for ANGST? Is that fair to Sun?
I don’t know. I have been to one of the prestigious schools but not two of the others. The one I went to was not right for Sun, tuition aside. Do I owe it to Sun to check the other two? What if I get that warm fuzzy “it” feeling at one and realize we cannot afford it? Do we send her anyway and cut expenses elsewhere? Or do we admit that it’s a good lesson for her to learn to live within her means?
So here I am, back to asking: What do we REALLY want in the way of education for Sun? Here’s my checklist:
- A solid education;
- To be educated in a grammar school that feeds to the very good high schools in the area;
- To have friends that will hopefully be in her life for the rest of her life;
- To have extracurricular activities that focus on being a child and not boosting your resume;
- A school that is close enough to the house that she’ll easily be able to spend time with her friends after school and on weekends.
Ugh. Am I overdoing it? Is that even possible? Do I settle on the decision I’ve already made for Sun to attend ANGST (next year) or do I go to Open Houses again this winter? What can that hurt? If I stay settled and two years from now realize ANGST isn’t a right fit, will it be detrimental to then move her such that I’ll wish I’d have more thoroughly searched NOW?
CS is willing to look anew but feels that many schools are “good enough” and paying more may not do her any better in her life. Top scholars nor top schools guarantees success. Look at us, he’ll show as Exhibit A, we were moderate students in moderate schools. And we are both considered successful in our fields, in our lives.
So what the hell do I do??!?!?!!
Well, here’s the question that stops me in my tracks: How can you know, right now, what school is right for Sun to get her into high school and then college? I’m not sure at her age any parent knows for certain what challenges their child will need all the way through school to lock in a decision now. Why not try this one and see? Why not let her develop further and see what fit will be good for her later?
Yes, I know that it can be more difficult (and sometimes impossible) to get a child into “that” school later on – that a lot of times it seems like you have to get in to the perfect school from the beginning. But the school isn’t all of it. Home life, encouragement, working with the child is so much more than worrying about making “the” exact “right” decision.
There isn’t just one right decision. And I’m not sure any parent ever has all of the data to make that choice at Sun’s age.
I guess I’m suggesting gently that you relax for now?
I’m not sure that moving schools in 2 years is a horrible thing. I survived countless moves and school moves throughout my career and I’ll tell you that the first couple in grade school were not all that detrimental. (On the other hand, the fact that I switched elementary schools four times, and went to two junior highs was NOT a good thing. But that’s six changes in ten years.)
I know it’s a huge decision. I know it’s important. But I worry that over-thinking it is hurting you which can in turn hurt Sun.
I’m not so sure about the value of “prestigious” schools. There’s an English teacher at Brother Martin, Guy Nelson. He’s been there since BMHS opened under that name in 1970. About 10 or so years ago, he took on the task of re-vamping the 8th grade English honors curriculum, because test scores of the boys were dropping to the point it was a concern. So, naturally, he taught both of the boys (as well as me, back in the day). Where’s this going, you ask? Mr. Nelson regularly would rant about how unprepared the students coming in from various local schools are. He’s not impressed with *any* of them.
Food for thought: firstborn went to Ecole Classique for pre-K, then St. Ann for K-7. Kiddo went pre-K to 7th at St. Ann. At best, St. Ann is a middle-of-the-road school with no extra challenge to bright kids-they play to the middle. Firstborn graduated from BMHS third in the class and just graduated “with Honor” in Nuclear Engineering from Ga Tech yesterday. Kiddo will be a junior next year and is one of six who have straight-As at BMHS for their first three years.
Sun will thrive academically wherever you send her. Y’all will encourage her to read and think, and that’s got more value than anything any pre-K teacher will do or say. When she gets further along, you can assess how she’s doing and whether extra tutoring is necessary.
My suggestion: look at the school(s) that are convenient to your work commute, and have liberal daycare/drop-off/pick-up rules. The school that doesn’t stress out mom should get highest priority.
Also, look at the parents at these schools. Are they douchenozzles? Can you socialize with the moms for class activities, field trips, etc? If the people are jerks, it might not be an environment you want Sun in. Stress on mom–biggest consideration here.
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Oh, I do feel for you because this is a harder decision where you live. I think one reason for the stress is the issue of it being difficult to get into another school later. However, there really is no way to know what will come down the line. There will be circumstances you can’t even imagine now, so try not to over think it. The reasoning you gave for choosing ANGST are sound.
The ONLY advice I have from experience with my child is this: I would avoid the schools that go K all the way through 12. My child is now an 8th grader at local catholic school. He’s been there 9 years, and he’s had enough. Enough of the same kids (even though many are his best friends), and especially, enough of the same teachers having the same personalities. (In the middle school, you end up having the same teacher for more than 1 year in some subjects. Unfortunately, my son has had the social studies teacher that he loathes for 3 years in a row.) There’s something to be said about having the chance to transition and learn to fit into a new school while you are still living at home. I wouldn’t want the first transition to be college.
Good luck with your decision. My gut tells me Sun will be fine because she already has the #1 predictor of success in school = parents who care.
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My first sentence up there sounds a little weird. I don’t mean that in a bad way, I just realize that there may be more competition for school slots where you are as opposed to where I am.
.-= saintseester´s last blog ..Remember This One? =-.
It’s not fair that you have to do all that thinking NOW! One of the reasons we moved back to NJ was to avoid that. Technically, we chose our school when he was 18 months old, because he just goes to the public school. We lucked out, because although its a different school from where his cousins go, it is a very small school for our area (450 kids, k-5), and everyone lives within walking distance. You can’t know what Sun will need, so you can’t know if the school will offer it. A friend of mine (with 3 kids) who is a psychologist tells me school is just one component, and not even the most important one. So, whether you choose ANGST or not, don’t let it cause angst!
In our case, I already had a good idea of what I was getting when I got the little guy into the school he’s still in four years later. A good chunk of school searching is simply trying to look beyond what makes a school a “good” school reputation-wise and look at how much of a fit it will be for Sun…and the places with the good reps may not be so good for her. Just calm down, take some deep breaths, and do your research on the prospective places – for who she is right NOW. Worrying about the years that aren’t here yet is the path to insanity. Don’t go there if you don’t have to.
((((((hugs))))))
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Breathe, woman! Go with your gut. School is important and crucial, of course, but so much is the environment that you and CS put Sun in at home to encourage her to always challenge herself. And you will. =)
I agree with the K-12 assessment; the few friends I know that went to those came out with no friends, for some reason… And it’s good to be around boys…until high school that is.
first off, i want to say that writing this post and asking other parents for their advice is important. they’ve been there and the more you converse the more you learn from the pro’s.
i remember being exactly in your shoes and wanting to do the right thing for my boys. i suppose, looking back, i made the best decisions with what i had, but as Jane Moneypenny said, the environment you set at home, will be key.
if you can find a school that is close to the area of town you live in, that would be my first bit of advice. i’m willing to bet that everyone who’s read this post will agree with me, you will *never* find a school that fulfills all of your expectations. second, Saintseester i am 100,000,000% in agreement with you. schools going all the way from Pk to 12, not such a good idea. by the time they reach 7th or 8th, they don’t want to be with the ‘babies’ any longer.
instead, look toward the next few years and take it from there. high school is a whole ‘nother bag of worms. sending your daughter across town is perfectly fine. she will be driving (yikes!) and it’s going to be very important that she is in the best school which will fill her needs. so concentrate on the now – because i promise you, she will change in a few years and her needs will change as well.
i hope i helped.
*i’m very familiar with all the schools in new orleans and the north shore. i’d be happy to help you in anyway i can.
ya know. i’ve been thinking about your situation all day. and the more i think about it, i’d keep in perspective the whole dog and pony show of “open house”. i say, go unannounced. check out the school on your leisure time. take notice of the kids. these are the tikes who will be Suns pals. are they happy? clean? well mannered? (i mean, as best they can for the rug-rat age) what about the teachers? are they organized? and their classrooms?? school grounds? also, go during lunch. now that’s a treat. you’ll get an eyeful of how well oiled this school is.
and the whole “prestigious school”‘ thing. i dunno.. my boys went to one of the finest schools in the city. they did well, but i can’t tell you they came out ahead of any other their friends once they reached high school. at the time, i did what i thought was the best decision for both of them. i don’t regret it, but as the years rolled by – i found all that “prestige” really wasn’t what it was cracked up to be. it just meant the company they kept dressed well.
@YatPundit – guy nelson, i remember him in high school. i took a class at B.M. one summer (Mrs. Vath) so i could jump a class at St. Joesph. he was an outstanding person and made everyone feel special.
My aunt teaches Kindergarten. To her kindergarten is the most important step in a person’s entire development. Last year she was telling me about some boys in the class she was teaching. She said they were very good at the academics, but they weren’t the best a the social skills. She said they were just like I was (her words, not mine). She also said, that she will ensure they are not allowed to pass to first grade, instead they will be held into K2 (or whatever its called); this is a program I am unfamiliar with so I asked her what it was for.
She informed me that it is a way to repeat kindergarten, w/o hurting the child’s feels of holding it back. These young boys are perfectly capable of handling the academics of first grade, she just thinks they need to learn to share better. Thats when my aunt said to me, “If the program had been around when you were younger it would have been best to put you in it. You would have turned out alot better.”
This shocked me. I don’t want to toot my own horn, but I am a married man with a Masters Degree in Coastal Engineering. I own a 3000 sq. ft. house uptown, and I make a decent salary. “I would have turned out better?” Christ, what does the woman want out of me? Thats when I realized her metric for measuring success is not how one fairs as an adult, but how the kid does in first grade… maybe second grade if she is very forward looking.
If I am successful what did make me successful? Obviously my parents had more to do with it than any school, but how did the education play its role?
I then thought back about my grammar school education. The two schools were your average archdiocesan grammar schools. Just average. At the first school I succeeded more than the second. That had to do a good deal with my fellow students. At the first school I was racially different from the other students, but I fit in academically and socially. At the second school, I was surrounded by students whose parents tended to give them whatever they wanted. I was incessantly made fun of for not having a video game system or a starter jacket. I hated this school, and didn’t do was on account of that. Nevertheless, neither school ended up having much impact on who I became.
On a very very hot day in mid August 1996, I stepped into the un-air-conditioned Hall of Honors at Jesuit High School to get a student ID and to buy books. That day I realized I wasn’t in Kansas anymore. I was surrounded in one hallway by more trophies than I had seen in the entire previous 13 years of my life. I realized very quickly in the first few weeks at that school how much work was expected of me; that happened to be A TON of work by the way. But they expected that out of everyone there. I, like some of my classmates and unlike others, was underprepared for Jesuit. By the end of that year, though, my prior education didn’t matter at all. We had all been “leveled.” Jesuit made me who I am, in spite of having a prior education that by many metrics was subpar.
Thus, my recommendation to you would be to look at schools where Sun will fit in with the other students, just as you fit in with the parents. If it isn’t THE BEST, thats OK for grammar school. A good high school (which in my opinion is a necessity) will develop her, just as that english teach developed yatpundit and his boys.
Also ask yourself when looking at a school, how would I have fit in here? Would this school have worked for me? If the answer is no for of y’all, chances are Sun’s answers would end up being no also.
.-= Ryan Waldron´s last blog ..Étouffée =-.
@ryan – perfect comment. perfect.
Or do we admit that it’s a good lesson for her to learn to live within her means?
Yes. I’ve been touring schools around our house (Uptown and some in Metairie). I ruled out places beyond our budget because I want a humble middle class kid, not some brat that sees me as a walking credit card. I definitely want her to know how to live within her means, but as you said, what of the actual education? We can’t win.
Zuzu (age 2) and Dex (age 1) are on a waiting list for several schools, all of which are private. I loathe that my tax money doesn’t provide me with a public school option. 2 kids are double the tuition. I know lots of cities have this problem, but it IS worse here, and it pisses me off how New Orleans insists on driving away its middle class.
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I just re-read this, and realized how awful my grammar and spelling were. Please excuse me for this.
.-= Ryan Waldron´s last blog ..Étouffée =-.