Hole in My Life
Nov 4th, 2009 by Nola
It’s never good when my posts are named for Police songs that are 15 years old.
And therein lies the whole of man’s plight. Human time does not run in a circle; it runs ahead in a straight line. That is why man cannot be happy: happiness is the longing for repetition.
~Milan Kundera, The Unbearable Lightness of Being.
The Police and Kundera? This post may be a tad maudlin. And rambling. Feel free to abort now. Oh, you’re going to read more? Kind reader, you’ve been warned.
Last week, discovering I had miscarried and was pregnant on the same day, and having the hormonal roller coaster that such a thing brings upon a woman, I’ve given this “do I have another child” question YET ANOTHER good hard look. Same result. Not the point of my post.
I mentioned one day to my mother-in-law that having another child would mean less resources (time, money, energy) would go to Sun and to my relationship with CS. This was one of many reasons I was espousing.
The next day, she picked up this thread and said, “When I was thinking about having another baby after my first, I didn’t think of it as less time with the first or less time with my husband. I saw it as an opportunity for us to come together even more.” She wasn’t criticizing my logic. Not at all. She was showing how my logic, which is right for me, leads to a far different answer on the family-size issue than her logic lead her.
That conversation opened my eyes to how so many women (and men) view having children (plural). But really it showed how, well, I am not sure if “skewed” is the word, but it showed me how skewed my outlook is. Truth is, I couldn’t handle another child. On any level. And that’s hard to admit. It leaves me feeling a bit broken. To know I am so very different (and, in my mind, deficient) from the majority of people walking the earth.
Coupled with this irritant is that my workload is currently light. Again. And although this was a blessing last week, this week it feels like a curse. Something about “idle hands” but in my case it’s an idle mind.
And that brings me to the Kundera quote. I’ve asked this before (oh, how ironic), but why can’t I just find peace and happiness in having all I ever wanted? Dammit. I’ve got two advanced degrees being put to good use, a wonderful husband and child, and even a mother-in-law who I adore. (Mostly) Satisfying Job: check. Health: check. Good Relationships with Friends and Family: check. (Mostly) Financially Secure: check.
Kundera would say that it’s the human condition to “have it all” and not be happy because human time runs in a straight line and happiness is the desire for repetition. Having it all is NOT repetitious. Once you’ve got it, you’ve got it. There’s no more challenge, no more striving, no strife or struggle even. That’s all in the past, on that straight line. But so too are the moments of joy that accompany the attaining of it all.
I don’t know the answer for my own situation. I don’t know how to allow my straight line of time to hold on to the joy of the accomplishments my struggles in life have given me. I just know that, at least for now, my life is lacking pizazz. Or something.
i sure can understand (as most women can) the hormonal roller coaster you’re been going threw these last weeks. and besides, this was something that totally threw you off, something you weren’t expecting. .. and then before you had the opportunity and time to digest it, it was already said and done.
don’t shortchange yourself into thinking this is something that can be settled in your mind in a matter of a few days or weeks.
time to pack it in and take a road trip with your precious cargo and regroup.
termite´s last blog ..can’t sleep.
Two things:
1) The only good reason to have a child is because you both want to have another child. The lack of desire (which is evident) or ability (which I question) and time (which is definitely true) is irrelevant. It’s about what you want and what’s best for the 3 of you. It doesn’t matter what everyone else feels or society does as an ill-thought rule. A large percentage of parents of multiple children aren’t qualified to have ONE.
You’re going through a rough time now, and you’re flooded with hormones. It’s natural to feel… out of place. But don’t allow that to draw into question who you are or what you can do.
2) Depression OFTEN stems for a lack of goals. The specifics is that in order to stay happy, you need something to look forward to every day (loving child and family do no count). By achieving all your goals at a young age, you’ve sort of screwed up the curve. You no longer have those goals to strive for when times are rough. You have nothing to push you to be better, instead… life just is. It’s part of the reason I read comics. I always have Wednesday to look forward to. I suggest taking a class in cooking or art, or perhaps establishing new goals for yourself. Idle hands strangle happy lives.
Adam´s last blog ..Classifying Claremont
WOW, we wrote almost the same thing. I’m constantly looking for something and I have no idea what it is! I’ve been listening to Billy Joel’s “Vienna” lyrics to remind myself it’s okay to not rush. I don’t believe in happiness as some end all goal or mecca to your life. I’m learning that success and “happiness” is in the little moments and victories. We’re going through the exact same thing; when I find an answer, I’ll let you know!
Jane Moneypeny´s last blog ..The Search for What?
“Truth is, I couldn’t handle another child. On any level. And that’s hard to admit. It leaves me feeling a bit broken. To know I am so very different (and, in my mind, deficient) from the majority of people walking the earth.”
Reading this makes me sad. I don’t think you are different ~ I think many women (and their sig others) feel they couldn’t handle another one but did it anyway because – it’s what people do. I think you know yourself and admitting this out loud is quite brave, possibly making other women feel less isolated in their feelings.
As you know, I went through many years of infertility treatment and was never able to carry. Now I can honestly say that I believe I was not meant to have children. I like kids but I really don’t think I was meant to be a mother. And it doesn’t bother me one little bit anymore.
Like I tell my hubs, who said life would be easy? It’s not. All we can do is muddle through the best we can with the help of fam & friends. Oh, a a little alcohol.
Love ya, honey.
Charlotte´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday: Tatts
I feel exactly the same way lately. After years of not having but wanting stability, to be with D, to have a lower-stress job, to be settled in a house I own, so that I could get another dog; to have financial security and my health, I finally have all that, and it’s amazingly wonderful. And often, unbelievably boring.
I’ve been thinking a lot about it and know that I always need a project . The last 5-6 months, I’ve been working out as my project. I’m still doing it, but now what I wanted from it is largely attained, so I need something new.
But, more importantly I think I need to get back to my Buddhist philosophy studies so that I can work toward contentment with just being and calm the voice inside that always wants more, more, more. Which, for me, means I must also do more yoga.
Good luck, girl! If you figure it out, would you please let me know? I would sure appreciate it!
suz´s last blog ..Nothing to See Here
I know how you feel about not understanding how you could possibly handle another child in the family. It’s right for some people. Maybe because you came from a family of 5 kids you see having only one kid as unusual. If you think you have the right number, you do. I get it.
I love the quote in this post. I had never heard it before – it is so true. it is simple, yet accurate, and explains everything, while telling us it can’t be solved.
“Truth is, I couldn’t handle another child. On any level. And that’s hard to admit. It leaves me feeling a bit broken. To know I am so very different (and, in my mind, deficient) from the majority of people walking the earth.”
In my opinion you are neitheir broken nor deficient. You have been through an emotional and hormonal rollercoaster. Your body still isn’t back to normal. I think you are being way too hard on yourself for having normal feelings.
Take good care of yourself and your perfectly-sized-for-you family. Big hugs.