Disappointment comes in many shades of gray. Yesterday’s disappointments were simple: black.
It began to sink in that although my body DID allow me to get pregnant, it still failed in some way in not maintaining the pregnancy. That choice I felt so strongly about the night before was gone again. I have no choice. This body is broken. Even if it’s broken in a way that coincides with what my choice would be. See how I can turn something positive into something wrong with me?
We didn’t know I was pregnant until I had already lost it. So to me this was just a medical issue. Not a miscarriage. I struggle to apply that word to what’s happened.
My mother-in-law came with me to the doctor. She was there when the forceps were requested. When tissue was removed. When yet another vaginal ultrasound was taken. When I was told I may in fact not have lost the pregnancy yet. Then when I was told that in fact I had. When I was told it wasn’t a tubal pregnancy or one that would require a D & C. And when they took blood to compare to blood they will take tomorrow.
She loaned me her strength. Her courage.
On the drive home, she got a call from her job informing her that she’d not have to work next week. She jokingly told her employer, “You mean I can stay an extra week in New Orleans?” And when she hung up, I was hungry for her to tell me that that’s what she’d do.
I asked her to stay. Maybe even implored a little. Then I got CS to ask, thinking it’d mean more if HE told her how much I needed her, she’d stay. “No,” she repeated, “I’ve gotta get home.”
Then today I overheard her asking her husband if HE wanted her to stay an extra week. In other words, if he wants her home, home she’ll go. He said stay. And she is upset because she now thinks he doesn’t miss her. And now she may stay.
And now I just don’t give a shit either way. And somewhere in here, when I explained to my husband that I’d call a friend to watch Sun today and he responded, “Why?” I got pissed at him too.
So much for being on top of things emotionally, eh?