Dissed
by
Disappointment comes in many shades of gray. Yesterday’s disappointments were simple: black.
It began to sink in that although my body DID allow me to get pregnant, it still failed in some way in not maintaining the pregnancy. That choice I felt so strongly about the night before was gone again. I have no choice. This body is broken. Even if it’s broken in a way that coincides with what my choice would be. See how I can turn something positive into something wrong with me?
We didn’t know I was pregnant until I had already lost it. So to me this was just a medical issue. Not a miscarriage. I struggle to apply that word to what’s happened.
My mother-in-law came with me to the doctor. She was there when the forceps were requested. When tissue was removed. When yet another vaginal ultrasound was taken. When I was told I may in fact not have lost the pregnancy yet. Then when I was told that in fact I had. When I was told it wasn’t a tubal pregnancy or one that would require a D & C. And when they took blood to compare to blood they will take tomorrow.
She loaned me her strength. Her courage.
On the drive home, she got a call from her job informing her that she’d not have to work next week. She jokingly told her employer, “You mean I can stay an extra week in New Orleans?” And when she hung up, I was hungry for her to tell me that that’s what she’d do.
I asked her to stay. Maybe even implored a little. Then I got CS to ask, thinking it’d mean more if HE told her how much I needed her, she’d stay. “No,” she repeated, “I’ve gotta get home.”
Then today I overheard her asking her husband if HE wanted her to stay an extra week. In other words, if he wants her home, home she’ll go. He said stay. And she is upset because she now thinks he doesn’t miss her. And now she may stay.
And now I just don’t give a shit either way. And somewhere in here, when I explained to my husband that I’d call a friend to watch Sun today and he responded, “Why?” I got pissed at him too.
So much for being on top of things emotionally, eh?
Do what works for you. Who cares if you’re emotionally “on top of it”?
.-= jameil´s last blog ..In A Relationship =-.
I hope you can sort out all these emotions, and that you really are okay.
.-= Tara R.´s last blog ..Blog Swap =-.
I agree with jameil. Right now, just think about yourself first (as much as a mom can!). CS can’t fully understand. I’d just ignore everyone else’s issues and do what you need to do for yourself.
.-= suz´s last blog ..Somebody Pinch Me =-.
Haven’t we long ago figured out that men aren’t as in tune to emotions of the people around them? I’m the same as you; at the moment of things, I’m okay. Calm, relieved, accepting of all that comes my way. Afterward it hits me and I go through the doubts and insecurities and “what ifs” (trust me, I did this a LOT with Kilimanjaro after). I guess a lot of life for people like us to learn to live with things and letting them go and realizing we didn’t do anything wrong. Life happens. The end.
I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this. Let me know if you want me to babysit Sun one day. Lucy and I have nothing planned for the next few school days and would be happy to have her come over. When you are up to it, I still want the two of you to come over and play one day!
I don’t think it’s possible to be in control emotionally. Regardless of what you call it, your body went through a HUGE amount of stress recently, and you’re probably flooded with all kinds of chemicals tossing you to and fro. I’m sure your family understands this. The best thing you can do is just take it easy and allow nature to take its course. You can’t control life. You can only control how you handle it.
.-= Adam´s last blog ..Reborn: Revealed? =-.