The Way We Live Now
by
I drop Sun off at daycare once a week. Last week, there was an, er, incident. I thought I’d blog about it and then decided to let it pass. And it stayed with me and came up again today in conversation. Considering it is STILL bugging me, I thought I’d throw it out here.
After walking Sun to her classroom, I left the building to return to my car. The personnel at the front door let me out and locked the door behind me. Just as she does for every person coming or going into and out of the school.
As I am approaching the corner, I see a man standing on the grass between the sidewalk and the street. I need to pass him. He’s alone, and his neck is bent such that he cannot hold his head up fully erect. And he’s looking down the street back towards the school.
My Mommy Radar went up. But so did my You-Are-Making-Something-Out-of-Nothing Radar. I sized him up and kept walking. I got in my car and debated. Do I DO something? Why is he standing on the corner? Alone, with NO CHILD? Looking back at the school?
“Dammit,” I thought. I decided to at least call the school to let them know of him. They reassured me the doors stayed locked and they’d keep an eye out for him. I didn’t feel better having called. Actually, I felt worse. What was I assuming? Based on what facts?
As I turned my car around to leave and approached that corner, I gave the scene another hard look. May as well be able to describe this guy, eh? And then I noticed he was standing next to a pole. A pole with a sign on it. A pole with a bus stop sign on it.
This innocent man was waiting for a bus, watching the street in the direction the bus would come.
I was mortified.
I don’t need to be told I did the right thing and that it’s better to be safe than sorry. I get that on some basic level, I was being a Mama Bear.
But seriously, folks, what kind of world do we now live in where a mother ASSUMES the worst about a neatly dressed man, alone, waiting for a bus, who happens to have some minor physical ailment? Would I have been less judgmental if his head did not droop? If he’d have made eye contact with me and smiled?
Did I mention this is at 9am on a bright Wednesday morning, and the school was totally following its safety protocol?
I am not happy with myself, with my behavior, with my quick-to-negative judgment. What happened to being neighborly and taking the first step to give someone the benefit of the doubt? Why didn’t I smile and say “good morning” to him? Why didn’t I look for a legitimate reason for him to be standing on a corner?
I think a lot has to do with what American news is about these days. We are told that there are 800,000 missing children reported each year. Well, damn! No wonder I am on the hyper-alert, right?
But according to a Slate article, this number is misleading:
It’s true that 797,500 people under 18 were reported missing in a one-year period, according to a 2002 study. But of those cases, 203,900 were family abductions, 58,200 were nonfamily abductions, and only 115 were “stereotypical kidnappings,” defined in one study as “a nonfamily abduction perpetrated by a slight acquaintance or stranger in which a child is detained overnight, transported at least 50 miles, held for ransom or abducted with the intent to keep the child permanently, or killed.” Even these categories can be misleading: Overstaying a visit with a noncustodial parent, for example, could qualify as a family abduction. Some individuals get entered into the database multiple times after disappearing on different occasions, resulting in potentially misleading numbers.
So, 115 per year of the type of abduction that is a parent’s worst nightmare? That’s too many, to be sure. But is it reason enough to cast a judgmental eye on a guy at a bus stop?
For me, after having giving this MUCH thought, it is not. No more than it is to fear your home will be broken into because a lone black man is walking down your street on a random weekday afternoon.
Our fellow man deserves better than that. I owe more than I gave. And it’s time I admitted it and began to do better to judge less. Being a mother is NOT an excuse to such behavior.
Are you with me?
This is a tough quandary, because you are right. As a parent, it is our duty to protect our children from harm. But as a human being, it is important not to pre-judge people.
What complicates this for me, is that, sometimes, women especially, become victims of crime because we are too polite, not the other way around.
I do not know what the answers are, but I admire your public self-reflection on the issue.
.-= saintseester´s last blog ..Humid Beings – Online and Sweaty =-.
This is indeed tricky…and the fears and the Mama Bear protection mode in me can be set off by some of the most unlikely things…such as a friend who talked once about boys and how low-maintenance they were – except that she found she was the most worried about pedophiles in public places when it came to her eight-year-old son. Oh, thaaaaanks, that’s just what I needed to hear as a boy’s mother MYSELF.
There are times when it feels like it almost borders on a near-deliberate jerking around of maternal and paternal instinct.
At the same time, though, it is still a good thing to be vigilant, but it is like anything else: always in moderation and with a great deal of re-examination involved of what made you uneasy and why.
.-= liprap´s last blog .. =-.
It’s sad that we have been reduced to such cynics, afraid of every shadow we see. I think many of us would have had the same reaction.
.-= Tara R.´s last blog ..Maybe she does, maybe she doesn’t… =-.
YOu didn’t confront the man. You just called the school for reassurance that no one unusual could enter the school. While you are right that more kids are in danger from relatives, Weird Uncle Harry, Father Ted and the scout master, police also say that trusting your gut is always wise. Since no one went up and accused this man, no harm, no foul.
It’s also great that you are aware that you have been manipulated by the media into fearing “stranger abduction”which accounts for so few kidnappings.
.-= Lisa Paul´s last blog ..The Time Whole Foods Got It Right =-.
A friend of mine worked in a women’s shelter for years. She said that all women and mothers should be super diligent of those within the doors of our homes and the circle of community acquaintances we all have. That is where she says you should keep a watch out for. The “random” acts of kidnapping and violence are terrifying, but not easy to see coming.
I remember talking to a dear elderly colleague of mine on day, who had been commuting to work on a bus, as he had done for over 35 years and whose life changed over a small incident. He was a doting husband and an even greater doter of a grandfather to his five grandchildren. He came into work obviously perturbed. When I asked him what happened, he said he had been sitting across from a mother and her young child (1 year old). The little girl thought he looked funny (he did look like St. Nic) and broke out into laughter and smiles. When he saw this, he smiled back at the girl. The mother reprimanded him, saying old men should not smile at young children. He felt his world changed in that one encounter. He knew the mother was right from her perspective, it just was sad to think it was so.
.-= lilalia´s last blog ..In Brief =-.
It is a shame that we do live with thoughts such as these.. I can say that I probably would have had some sort of internal alarm go off as well..not saying it is right.. But I understand this, and have to agree with your first commenter and admire your public self-reflection on the issue.
.-= Kim´s last blog ..See who is getting so big!! Long Island Child Photographer =-.
this was an excellent post.
as a parent, my boys come first. i’ll do what i have to, to protect them. it’s part of the mommy contract.
i agree 100% with your actions.
.-= termite´s last blog ..Where the Wild Things Are =-.
Nope. Not with you there.
The fact is, your first instinct was the right one. You didn’t mace the guy. You didn’t deny someone a job bc of the color of their skin. You judged someone by their appearance. That’s what people do. Would your mindset be different if one guy shows up to a job interview with you dressed as a thug, and the next guy dresses appropriately? Okay the thug guy is black, suity guy is white. Thug guy is smarter, but you never find that out. Switch roles. They’re both white, but suit-master is a serial killer. You’re going to make mistakes, but that doesn’t mean you should ignore your instincts.
And let me ask you this: how do you know the guy was waiting for a bus? DId you see him get on one? Maybe he was looking for a place to lean before he robbed an innocent bystander. Not knowing this, you’re still judging appearances, you’re just judging them by different standards.
.-= Adam´s last blog ..Reborn: Revealed? =-.