Cold Afront
by
CS’s mother and step-father recently came for a visit, and over this visit, my mother-in-law made a comment that struck me. Let me back up.
CS’s father was a bad dude. He died before I came into the picture. He left his family when CS was a young boy. My MIL alludes to how bad a dude her first husband was quite readily. Further background, my MIL calls me, not CS. For some reason, she feels more comfortable with me than CS. I didn’t realize this until CS pointed it out to me recently.
Ok, back to the comment. Here’s the setting: We went out to dinner their last night in town. After we ate, my MIL went outside for a smoke. I joined her with Sun in tow.
“Is CS always that cold?” my MIL asked. Huh? I thought, cold? Why, he’s not cold… Wait. Is he cold? “No, not at all,” I say, “He’s very affectionate, especially with Sun.” “He’s a great father, no doubt,” she graciously said. “But he’s so quiet. He’s like his father with his emotions.”
How do I respond to this? I never knew the man, but even his own kin admit CS’s father was a SOB. But there must have been SOME love between the two young love birds. And, dammit, is CS cold? To me? Am I turning a blind eye? What the hell just happened?
We talked a bit more about her concerns about CS’s feelings toward her, but the issue of CS’s father dropped. But it didn’t drop out of my head. And since then, I’ve been a bit more keen to CS’s coldness, or lack thereof. And maybe because I am looking for trouble I am finding it, but I do see coldness from him. Often, it’s just him being quiet after a long day, or him not feeling well and thus a bit quiet. But all that quiet gets so loud!
I don’t think my MIL was trying to plant a seed to cause us trouble. I think she thinks she gets coldness from CS. And I think she thought it was obvious and that surely I saw it. And looking closely at the two of them, honestly, I can see her point. And that bothers me most of all.
So, there’s that.
I always felt that he had calculated quietness. Like he was pondering his next smart-ass comment.
Obviously I don’t live with him, but I’d never call him cold. But really, pointing out character flaws is pretty much what mothers are for (once they’re older and have no filter…or are Josh’s mom and never had one in the first place…)
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I think if it is nothing you really ever noticed before there isn’t a problem. Some people are just quiet. Maybe she isn’t around him so much anymore and quite possibly has forgotten that he is that way. Then again he may have some unresolved issues about his stepfather that he holds her accountable for. In any case if things have been going well with you two so far I wouldn’t go trying to open up a can of worms…
I’m not entirely sure there’s anything wrong with not being particularly emotional. And traditionally, it’s the father’s job to show strength at all times.
I guess it just depends on what you mean by ‘cold’.
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I can’t imagine you ever marrying someone cold. If anything, he’s just selective about who he shows emotion to. I’m the same way towards my parents but I’m very open with emotion with friends.
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A quiet or reserved or calm person is not cold. As is a busy, exuberant, hysterical person is not warm. Warmth comes from empathy, sympathy, and kindness. A tender heart. In your posts about CS, he certainly seems to posses all of those later traits.
I come from a long line of stoic quiet persons, who have marvelous self-depreciating senses of humour and hearts of gold. I also come from a long line of Irish martyrs who let comments like your MIL’s drop haplessly into a conversation that wrought havoc on the psyche. Even though your FIL might have been an SOB, your MIL was no Mother Theresa. Her relationship to her son, if distant and cold, does no make CS cold, but just their relationship difficult. So, a note to your MIL; welcome to the world where not everything is rosy and not everything is the other person’s fault.
lilalia’s last blog post..Self-evident but Clever
You know, maybe she is looking for the coldness to see if he’s more like his father or more like her. We once watched a series about men and women and the guy on the dvd said that Men tend to put things in a box in their mind and sometimes if they’re quiet, they are in their ‘nothing’ box. Meaning, really, they are just thinking about ‘nothing’ and it’s not some sinister reason behind it. Maybe CS just likes to sit in the evenings and ponder his ‘nothing’ box. Who knows. Don’t read too much into it, sounds like your MIL just wanted to open a can of worms.
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What Katie said.
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