Releasing Tension
May 19th, 2009 by Nola
I am a “tight” knitter: my stitches are tight. I have to remind myself to ease up on the tension of the yarn; relax my fingers and my mind. I knit a cap for CS years ago, and it was a big hit. It was a straight knit 4, purl 4 pattern, your typical skull cap. Several friends wanted me to knit one for them. I was happy to oblige.
The day I was given the (erroneous) news that I had a severe infertility problem, I boarded a plane for a weekend in New York. That flight was delayed and we sat on the tarmac for what seemed like hours. I was working on one of those skull caps for a friend. My gauge was off. Way off. I knit several inches worth then ripped back to nothing at least four times sitting on that miserable tarmac. All the while, my ears were plugged into my iPod listening to Bob Dylan. And tears ran down my cheeks. I couldn’t bother with what the 50-something business man thought sitting next to me of the mess I was. What could I say to him to excuse my bizarre behavior? No eye contact was the best bet.
After a few days, months, I would try that cap again and again. My gauge was never right. I’d check my gauge before starting, a task I loathe, and still seemed off. I ripped out this cap another four or so times.
The yarn I had selected for my friend began to show signs of my struggle. It was fraying, cracking, and in time, breaking. After a year, I threw the yarn away and decided CS could knit the cap for our friend. (He’d learned to knit Sun a blanket).
More years have passed and CS still has not knit that cap. I am now picking that project up again. I have a new ball of yarn. Different colors even.
And yet.
My gauge is off again. The size 8 needles I used so easily the first time are way too big. Even 7s won’t do the trick. I will be testing 6s this evening. And as I knit 4, purl 4, I am reminded of that damn day in the plane. And the sting of disappointment I’ve endured with this cap.
I am realizing I should have knit this cap years ago. So now I am determined. I will knit this cap. I will exorcise this demon. I will release that tension. Once and for all.
Interesting post. I wonder what it is about the cap pattern – perhaps the memory surrounding it is just too fuddled up with your news at the time? Those of us who struggle with infertility, or even the spectre of it, are always marked by the memory. I still cringe when I see ads for ovulation predictors.
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I never learned to knit, but I certainly recognize that underlying frustration, a feeling of being off kilter.
I hope the cap turns out beautifully and as smoothly as the first one you made for CS.
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