Still Life with Sun
by
CS and I take lots of pictures of Sun. In the age of digital film, we are all amateur photographers with no costs of development to worry about. At year end, we pick our favorite pictures and print them for a photo album we have for Sun. In looking at that photo album tonight, I am humbled by how fast she is becoming a child and leaving babyhood and toddlerhood behind.
The thing about photographs is that you take the pictures of the smiles and the first good things: petting a goat, seeing snow, flying in a plane, eating Bud’s Broiler, holidays, and relatives. You tend not to get the meltdowns, the disappointments: cranky, nappus interruptus Sun, fights over toys, spilled milk, busted chins, and laser treatments.
And so in looking back over the past year, one would think it has been all smiles and that it should have been all enjoyment. And it just wasn’t. Mainly, it was exhausting. I am just tired all of the time. I am not complaining. It isn’t Sun that makes me tired. But it is Sun that makes me realize that my tiredness is a deficit. I feel regret in not doing more, not being more full of life and not basking in her seemingly endless smiles more.
But overall I just feel like the luckiest girl in the world. It’s been over a year now that I have felt I finally got all I ever wanted and I still want for nothing more than the maintenance of the status quo.
(P.S. My grandfather is doing quite well–the clots have been cleared and he’s moving out of ICU tonight. Once his blood thinner medication is where they want it in his system, he will be sent home. Thank you all for your kind words of support and concern. They were very much appreciated. –Nola)
That is good to hear about your grandfather. I hope he has a speedy and complete recovery.
I wish I had more photos of my second child. We went camera crazy with our oldest. I’m making up for it now. I have a ton of photos of the teen boy now.
I don’t think I’ve ever gotten over the being tired part though. Maybe for those few years between ‘empty nest’ and ‘granny-hood’ I can sleep.
Tara R.’s last blog post..He looks just like… who?
I’m glad your grandfather is feeling better. He’s in my thoughts and prayers!
My friend takes pics of her kids mid-tantrum; it’s strangely cute…
I’m tired now as a single person. But I think I may look forward to the tired that comes as a mother. Someday.
Such good news about your grandfather. All the best for a quick and full recovery.
I hear you about being tired with a small girl in the house. My sister once told me that small kids are a magnet for joy and a black hole for love and energy. Without knowing why, they can leave parents drained of every last drop.
lilalia’s last blog post..Ridiculous, but still…
We tend to put the cameras down comforting the meltdowns and cries rather than shooting them. Though I have found they make for some pretty cool photos.
Glad to hear the good news of your Granddad.
Ed (zoesdad)’s last blog post..It’s a Festival
My photos help me .. they truly help me “see” my boys. I too feel like I am tired all.the.time. And it makes me mad that sometimes they just want to play and I just want to sleep.
But I am thankful for the photos.. because I can look back and see that they are smiling.. and that maybe, just maybe they don’t see just how tired their mama is?? maybe??
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Happy to hear your grandfather is recovering well. Hope you and CS and Sun have a brilliant 2009!
You need to start taking all those not so perfect pictures, now. You are missing out on prime blackmail material for later.
Glad to hear grandpa is doing well and will be home soon. May he continue to do well.
SoMo’s last blog post..Big Boy!
I am glad to hear you grandpa is doing better!! That is fantastic news!
I am tired all the time and I don’t have kids. So maybe it is better, otherwise I would be comatose.
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I took some great crying pictures of Oliver. I’ll try to find them for you.
You are also building a great stable of family legends, aren’t you? Some you share here, some just among your actual family, but I’ll bet those include the favorite meltdowns and tantrums and tiredness. In my family, some of our best stories are not about the happy moments. They become inflated in the multiple retelling until the foot stomps shake the roof, and the screams alert dogs three blocks away, but it’s part of validating all of our emotions, not just the happy ones.
Margaret’s last blog post..Different Strokes For Different Folks