Truly and Completely Done
Nov 13th, 2008 by Nola
CS and I have talked several times about having another child. We talked again last night. And we both feel for a multitude of reasons that we are done. Just for fun, here’s the highlights of our list:
Cons:
- Sun. We have a daughter that we give a good amount of attention to. CS and I have arranged it such that we work from home a bit during the week and with the help of SoMo, Sun does not need to attend daycare. If we have another, the time we have for Sun will be cut short. In fact, if we have another, we will HAVE to put both in daycare or have one of us quit our job (and neither of us wants to do that). And if we have two in daycare, then school, at the same time, we fold into…
- Money. The cost is not to be overlooked. CS and I are comfortable with what we make. We aren’t rich by any stretch. But we make enough that we can continue to be comfortable and give to Sun the things we feel are important (like a respectable, though certainly incomplete, college fund).
- Time. The other option to money not being an issue is CS and I working our butts off. Right now, I LOVE working a lighter load. And CS loves the freedom his job offers. If we have another child and need more money, it will come from one place only: our efforts. And if we need to work more to have more money, then we will have less time to spend with the children.
- Happiness is. CS and I are happy with our family just as it is. We LOVE it being the three of us. We feel it is a perfect fit. We aren’t stretched too tight and balance each other out with Sun when one is down for the count. We can travel easily with one child and do countless other things we love with one child that with two would be too burdensome or unpleasant.
Pros:
- Sun needs a sibling. CS and I both have siblings. My siblings kept me sane as I went from a child to an adult. They will also assist with my parents as they age and need care. I hate denying Sun the relationship of a sibling. (But who is to say the siblings will even get along? So this is a sticky wicket pro).
- What if Sun is a dud? This may sound harsh but hear me out. What if Sun turns out to be a complete flake and disappoints me to the point where I want to wring her neck? Then I will wish I had another child. You still doubt me? Just yesterday I met with a couple seeking advise about their estate planning. These are good people with good values. They have two children. Turns out the daughter is a dud. I cannot go into detail, but the daughter did unthinkably selfish things with respect to her parents. So unthinkable they are considering cutting her out of their wills. And in my opinion, rightly so. What do CS and I do if this is Sun? Give my estate (hahaha) to charity? To her cousins? Wouldn’t we wish we’d had another child to then leave a legacy to (and I really don’t mean money as much as the sense of the continuation of our family).
- Regret. This is the real kicker. The first two “pros” are really hypothetical. We cannot have another child so that Sun can have a sibling (it isn’t a puppy, for crying out loud) nor because Sun may be a dud (what if Sun is a rockstar and the second child is a dud? Oy.) But what if in a decade or two CS and I regret not having another child? This is the one that stumped me. I really needed to dig deep to see what it is I’d regret. After much soul searching, I fully realize that my life is, happily, full. Will it be more full with another baby? Maybe. But why go back to the buffet when I have a full plate to begin with?
This isn’t quite the complete list, but it is enough to see that I am happy with things the way they are. And it is enough to see that the reasons I have for wanting another child are not good enough to have a baby. When we wanted Sun, there was a complete other list. A list that had the right reasons for wanting a baby and legitimate concerns about having one. But now? Things are different. Happily different. And so I am putting to rest this issue of another child. I have my family. We are truly and completely whole. And done.
I’m the oldest child and I think my younger sister is a dud.
But valid reasons, no matter how weird it is to put it that way. The fact that you’re happy with what you have now is enough proof that you’re complete!
Jane Moneypenyy’s last blog post..Maverick Out
We finally succumbed to the attraction of the Complete Set (although unless you want to go to extraordinary lengths, that’s a crap shoot). I would have been happy with just either, but in the end One Of Each is perfect.
Funny but of all the dud’s I know, none was an only child.
Wow it is big decision week for us!! We deserve drinks. I know this isn’t something that you just decided and it probably took a lot A LOT of soul searching and discussions. I have a feeling that you may be just fine with Sun, no duds there. She is going to try your patience who hasn’t done that to their parents? She will always have a great support system.
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I can imagine this list was much longer in your mind.. this is a huge decision and I am so happy you were able to smile with your choice..
Now go celebrate!!
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I’ve got 7 duds ahead of me in line in my family.
Finding your peace with a decision is the most important thing here.
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Hell, I wish more parents (and prospective parents) would do what you just did: lay out those pros and cons and don’t shrink from looking at ‘em with a realistic, critical mind.
Y’all are doing what’s best for your family. And you and CS could NEVER raise a dud!
{{hug}} this had to be a difficult decision, but it’s good that you both thought this out so carefully. It sounds like you are all content with this, so just go enjoy your family and have a great time.
Tara R.’s last blog post..I don’t bite
Just like with everything, you have thought it out before deciding. I can see it was not easy.
Let me wave at you from my side of the playground and let you know what lies ahead:
As an only child at age six and a half, Owl gets everything. Not as in we buy him anything he wants, but he gets all of me, all of his daddy. There is work, and then family time, and all of the family time goes to him. So he gets LOTS of attention. I can easily be patient with him. When my nephews are over, I am glad I am not my sister, because more than one would be TOO MUCH for me. If you’re like me in that way (and I suspect you are), you will enjoy being a mom to one a whole lot.
There is enough for me time. (Well, there’s never enough, but there’s some.)
I have no regrets, or feelings of incompleteness. I love seeing cute little babies, remembering when Owl was that small, and then giving them back to their parents and watching Owl play with them. But I also enjoy going home with just the one.
I hope being decided about this gives you a sense of peace about it.
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Maybe if my wife and I had considered a logical discussion prior to passionately “not talking” things would have been different for us.
I’ve never been a very logical thinker and I thank God she’s not either.
Like XBox said–finding peace with your decision is the most important.
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That’s wonderful that you’ve talked it out and have come to a decision you’re both happy with! Good for you!
We had both of our kids when we were young (and stupid). I was 21 when I had our daughter and 25 when we had our son. That was it, then. My kidneys didn’t like being pregnant the second time, and it was a near guarantee that they would hate it the next time even more. So I eventually got my tubes tied. I had wanted more, but I’m glad things turned out this way.
Our daughter, while I wouldn’t exactly call her a dud, is a troubled girl. She developed mental illness at 14 and was in and out of hospitals for the next 10 years. Now she is off living somewhere in W.Va. and has so many problems – substance abuse among them. The way she has treated us, her loving family, is criminal, so we can’t have her here. I have often said that if God hadn’t given me my son, I would have forever thought i was a horrible, useless mother for having raised a girl with so many problems. My son has shown me that we are good parents. But God knew what he was doing, not giving me more. My health would have precluded me from being the kind of active mother I wanted to be, had I had more.
I’m sure God knows what he’s doing in your case, too. Sun is a lucky girl to have such caring and thoughtful parents.
Peace – D
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I have to agree with your other commentator. My hubby is the only normal one among 6 duds. You just never know.
So glad you talked about this and are finding peace with your decision. That is what is most important.
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Amen. Family is what you decide it is and what makes you happy. It’s not a picture in a magazine or a requirement thrust on you by societal pressures. Sun is a lucky girl.
I am the oldest of three sisters. I had only one wonderful daughter, who has brought me more joy and heartbreak than I can express. She once asked me if I had wanted children, this was when she was in her teens, I actually hadn’t wanted children, thinking myself way too selfish to be a good parent. I told her that although I hadn’t initially wanted children, that I DID want HER. She then asked why I hadn’t had any more. I told her that it was because I had already gotten the best one so why try my luck? She liked that answer. (One of the real reasons I didn’t have more was that I knew I’d never be rich, I knew I could provide the best for one, not two, and I thought that was a valid reason. Turned out it was, at least for me.)
I will say that now as she approaches 30 I think she wishes I’d made a different decision. But I have a very wise Mama. Upon being asked should I have another child for my daughter, she answered, “There’s no guarantee they’ll even LIKE each other.” Good enough.
I am now a grandparent, to a wonderful grandson, 8 yrs old. If my daughter turns out to be a “dud” I can always pass everything on to him, thus fixing the family legacy dilemma (not that there will be all that much!) And interestingly, my daughter has her son and doesn’t want anymore children, so being an “only” couldn’t have been that bad in her view.
I am delighted that you’re thinking deeply about this. And yes, as others said, your family is what you make it. Sun will be just fine with a parent like you.
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We never talked about it–it all just happened!
)
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