We drove from Natchitoches to New Orleans today. I slept much of the way. Well, rested, I should say. I didn’t sleep all that much. I lay in the back seat next to Sun in her carrier while CS drove. I had my eyes closed and made every attempt to sleep, and I am sure I dosed here and there. But most of the time was spent thinking about (and occasionally gazing with my glasses off at) the microcosm that is my life: my husband and child. All that matters to me in the world fits snugly in my car. With room to spare. God or Fortuna or The Fates have been good to me giving me such a caring husband and an easily-tempered baby.
I write wills and trusts and living wills for folks all the time. I also handle estates of clients when they die. Which they do, we all do. And although my chance of dying this past Monday was slim(ish), it existed. It always exists when surgery is performed. And laying on the gurney moments from being taken off for surgery, I had the talk with CS about my living will and what my wishes were should something go wrong. How do you NOT think about such a thing when you are about to be put under and cut?
He didn’t try to stop me or think I was being macabre. I had little to say on the topic, and he already knows my wishes but I needed to know he’d be doing what I wanted done because of quality of life issues not matters of money or guilt. Then I had a split second thought about Sun growing up without me. I wouldn’t let myself think about that. I simply told my husband to call on our friends and family if that were to happen–to LET them help. He agreed. Then I was rolled off and fell asleep and woke up hours later with things having gone very well.
Today I am elated. I am filled with joy. And gratitude. And love. And sadness too. I am sad that I had to think about my mortality; that my body is aging and showing chinks in the armor; that I am tattered and bruised and have racked up scars like crazy for the past five years; that one day Sun will live without her mother as will I; I thought a lot about my grandmother and the time we all spent visiting her in the hospital during her last days. Hospitals are depressing places. Even sick, I am usually the healthiest person there. Unless you are on the maternity floor where life is celebrated, you are moving among folks that are sick or on the mend, but not always healing.
I feel weird that I don’t have a piece of my body, an organ, with me anymore. My gall bladder is in Texas. Being biopsied. Then they’ll toss it, I guess. I don’t care what they do with it. I feel different without it, though. Ironic that the removal of the organ that stored bile in my body seems to have removed a lot of negative energy with it as well. I am a better person having released my gall bladder, having observed the unyielding support of my husband and family (more than one member volunteered to drive 8+ hours each way to come get me and allow CS to leave to get back to work), and the complete support from my friends too.
So as we left the hills and curves and smooth highways of Texas and came to the straight, flat lands of Louisiana, passing towns with funny names, bayous and cypress trees with their knees jutting out of the water, signs for Boudin and andouille and swamp tours, and Spanish moss hanging in the trees waving in the traffic’s breeze, I never felt more welcomed, more at home, than I did today. I know where I belong in the world and I know how I fit into this life I have confected. And I couldn’t feel better about it or be more grateful.
You are officially my favorite blogger; I absolutely love love love your writing style!
wpmomof2’s last blog post..First Haircut
I’m gonna get my gall bladder removed too - I’m trying to be as positive as you! LOL
Maria’s last blog post..Out of the Minds of Morons. [a continuation]
Welcome home! Streetcar rides, Brocato’s and Sazeracs are waiting…and Hansen’s and Galatoire’s and Swizzles and….welcome back!
We are so glad to have you back!!!
Greta Perry’s last blog post..Don’t Miss the Rodrigue Exhibit!!!
I so love your outlook on life and so happy I found you!
Charlotte’s last blog post..Dreamy Night in the Crescent
Glad you’re feeling better.
Robert’s last blog post..Baru
Really nice post - it cheered me as i’m lying around feeling sorry for myself over being sick.
saintseester’s last blog post..I Feel Like Crap
Welcome home. This is a lovely post. I hope you’re feeling better and better every day.
Sophmom’s last blog post..It depends on how you define safety
Good for you! And keep feeling better!
So glad that all went well….I wonder why bile got such a nasty reputation when it really is an amazing substance. Without it, you’d never enjoy andouille sausage or BBQ again. I guess it’s all about letting go…as we age, we let go of bits of ourselves (sometimes physical…god knows there are bits of me all over the place) but even in the letting go we are still whole. Wholeness is spiritual, not physical.
I am happy to see you “back” and in such good high spirits. We missed you round these parts!
stacey’s last blog post..Rule Number One-Sip Slowly!!
Take care a’ you, all right? Welcome back!
Wow! A lot has happened to you since the last time I visited!! I’m glad that things are okay now with you. Sorry your trip to TX had to end w/you having surgery. As a Texan, I apologize:) Get well fast and keep writing. I, as well as others, love to read what you write:)
Such an amazing, honest post. I love how you articulated this. I’m so glad to hear that your surgery went well. Wishing you a speedy recovery.
Sandy (Momisodes)’s last blog post..Summer Cut (Make-over)
that is fantastic. i love when things give us the opportunity to sit back and reflect and really APPRECIATE what we have. it makes life worth living. the only purpose of remembering sun will have to live w/o you one day is to live every day like it’s your last, making the most of it. i’m glad the most important things in your life fit in a car, too.
jameil1922’s last blog post..Stan the Man and Graduatian (sic)
Ah, gratefulness, what a profoundly powerful emotion that is. CS has earned a lot of gold stars in his I’m-going-to-heaven book. Sun doesn’t have to earn stars because she is perfect. And, you are perfect too. Glad to hear that you are home. Take care. Walk slowly through your days, and may your appreciation grow.
lilalia’s last blog post..Internet Safety V
Wowzer, that was beautiful.
And yea, facing mortality changes you. TF and I had a talk before the brain surgery about what could happen and what I wanted, and on Sunday we’re drawing up our living wills (sorry, we’d have used you!). It’s refreshing to realize how great life is, but at the same time, it is soul crushing to think of the people left behind whenever someone passes away and the void left behind.
I’m so glad that you’re okay and home. Rest, take it easy, don’t do anything you know you shouldn’t and heal up. We’ll compare scars in July, metaphorically speaking.
Katie’s last blog post..The Wedding Questionnaire: Part 3
Now that you are someone’s mother, you are too important to die.
Moondance’s last blog post..If I Were A Superhero
So sweet.
I may lose teeth as a result.
Xbox4NappyRash’s last blog post..Available for trade
What a beautiful post!! It is awesome you are feeling better and have taken some time to sit back and enjoy.
Kim’s last blog post..Thursday Thirteen - NYC in 5 Hours or Less
So glad you’re recovering well! Big Hugs!
Nissa’s last blog post..Wii for miiiii!!