My Identity Crisis
May 12th, 2008 by Nola
I toss and I turn. I twist and I twitter. And yet I still can’t get my mind settled. I don’t know the answer to the age old question: What is happiness?
In my life, I have the quintessential things that would answer this question: The love of a doting husband, sweet baby girl and caring, funky extended family members. I have a roof over my head that we own (well, the bank owns it but we are not like so many that are facing foreclosure); I have my health; I have a very flexible job that uses my talents and pays well for the time I give it.
And yet. Most days, I feel rundown. When I am home with Sun, I feel like I should be out doing things with her–taking her to the zoo, or Gym Rompers, or strolls in the park. Or if I stay home I should be cooking and cleaning and wearing an apron and kitten heels. But the reality is the day passes slowly. I do household things and run errands but it isn’t in any way stimulating (to Sun or me).
When I am at work, I think about being home. And work files and talk to clients. And worry about needing to do more to further my career. My Career. Sometimes My Career is too heavy a weight for me to carry around. Sometimes I wish I were that research librarian I dream of being. The one that works 9 to 5 and researches oddball things to her heart’s content. Then clocks out and leaves it all behind her. The one that has a great pension and awesome benefits. And paid days off.
Joseph Story said that “[The law] is a jealous mistress, and requires a long and constant courtship. It is not to be won by trifling favors, but by lavish homage.” I think he meant that it requires great dedication to truly hone the expertise of the law. But in my experience, the worry that goes along with the practice of law in an ever-competitive legal environment is what has consumed me like a jealous mistress. Just on the fringe of my mind most of the time are nagging thoughts of should I push harder, do more, go further, all in the name of My Career.
Or can I be satisfied with my career (in lowercase) just as it is? One that provides me the opportunity to keep my child out of daycare while still keeping my skills sharpened with a lighter load? Will that load get too light and dry up? Or will it permit me to pile it on in the future (date unknown) when I want to resume a fuller load? Can I live with it being okay that I am not making the full financial use out of my legal degree? Is it okay that I not push harder, not choose to see less of my daughter and not earn more money for the betterment of my family?
Can I accept that it’s okay to be happy that I got all of which I ever dreamed?
It’s funny how we’re in such different chapters of our live, but still struggle with the same issues. Like I blogged before, happiness doesn’t seem to be a goal or a destination; it’s the side effect of some journey we’re taking. Seems like we’re both in a big of a funk. I, too, constantly worry about my career. It nags me that I’m a workaholic. So with that said, I think it’s completely okay that you’re not “making the full financial use” out of the law degree. Your priority seems to be your family right now. Priorities shift and change. You made that choice and I think it’s not only awesome, but brave. I hope my ramblings made sense…
Jane Moneypenny’s last blog post..The End of the World
I don’t think that you’re doing anything wrong by not “making the full financial use” of your law degree. I did the same thing back when Connor was a baby. I took a job that was “beneath”me (so I was told by everyone I knew), but it afforded me the flexible time to be with my kids while still bringing in some income. Once Connor was in school full time I could go back to pursuing my career. Although now I don’t want any additional responsibility. I like my free time. I think what you are doing is for the betterment of your family. Kids don’t stay kids forever. One day Sun will be grown and you will be glad you took the route that allowed you more time with her. Your law degree will always be there. Sun’s childhood won’t.
Lisa’s last blog post..Frustration
It really is tough being a parent, and trying to decide between career and baby. I wish I had word of encouragement, but if I did, I wouldn’t struggle with the decision like you! (PS I was accepted into LSU law school years ago, and chose to move to FL instead.)
wpmomof2’s last blog post..Hey Disney Fans
Yes.
Audubon Ron’s last blog post..Cole
Oh, sister, I hear you.
It’s like the fleeting memory of a dream - that vague sense that if you do anything less than be top biller for the firm and top income generator for your family, you have MISSED something, and an angry Fate will take it all away from you. It’s like we have a golf score card (or, dare I say, a timesheet) for every aspect of our life, and we can’t use anything but that to measure sucess or happiness, or our contribution to society.
Let me find some books I read recently, that inspired me. For a time. (It didn’t last, but they lifted my spirits for a bit.)
I always say you need to be happy with your job. You spend 90% of your time there, sometimes more time is spent at work than it is with your own family. You have a job right now that seems to let you split them both pretty equally, perhaps you do get to spend more time with your family. And maybe that is what makes you happy. Like Lisa said, kids don’t stay kids forever.
I am struggling right now with what I want to be when I “grow up” I feel like I am floundering from job to job and would like to find a career, but will that make me happy? I don’t know. I am needing to find a job in the next few months and fear it may be another job that will bring in income and I won’t be totally happy once again. It is hard.
Wow…you took the words right out of my mouth. Yesterday was one of those particularly tough days for me - struggling with some of the same issues. Hang in there.
Once again, you think too much. I think you need a V 8 smack.
SoMo’s last blog post..In the Famous Words of Samuel L. Jackson
I’m with you on this conundrum.
Daisy Duke’s last blog post..It Confuses Me
Ah. The Divided Mind Syndrome. I know whereof you speak. Twenty-six years ago, as a single mother with a five-month-old baby, I decided to shift my legal career from advancement-to-partner status back into the entry-level-but-time-for-family job in which I’d started out after law school. It would have been impossible to deal with the 60- to 70-hour workweeks of a busy law practice, including trials that often run late into the evenings, while caring for a child. My life since then hasn’t been easy in some respects, but I’ve never regretted choosing the job that let me spend more time with my child.
Yes, when I see the TV ads for a couple of my law-school classmates, who must pull in at least a million a year in their highly successful PI law practices, I feel inadequate knowing my salary is a tiny fraction of what they earn, and in fact is less than many new lawyers out of school now receive as a starting salary.
But I love not having to go to the office on weekends and holidays, I loved being able to attend my child’s school events and recitals without having to endure the stinkeye from a senior partner, and I love the serenity that comes from doing a job I enjoy, at a pace that lets me enjoy life.
Nola, you may always feel that “divided mind” thing…but you’ve made the right choice. The time you spend with Sun is far more important to her than the extra dollars you would earn if you went back to full-time practice. Cuddle your daughter, kiss your hubby, square your jaw, and forge ahead. Continue to recognize how lucky you are to have had the choice to make.
Sphinx Ink’s last blog post..More Book Awards & Nominees
Oh the common threads of life.
I’ve constantly battled against my indifference to my career in order to have a life that I am happy with.
Then times roll around when I’m angry for not pushing my career enough.
All I can say is I’m not unhappy I didn’t.
I wouldn’t have all I have now, as much I take it for granted and crave even more, if I had done.
Xbox4NappyRash’s last blog post..I said ‘Nappy’, dammit
I feel the same way. It is impossible for us to be career driven women without our big ole bag of mommy guilt to carry around on our backs.
As far as we know, we have one life. Think about what makes you happy and fulfilled. Think about what’s *really* important. Concentrate on those things and fit in the rest. I know, easier said than done but life is all about adjusting, redefining and striving. Remember that nothing is written in stone. It’s YOUR life.
Charlotte’s last blog post..In Mamma’n’ems Garden On Mother’s Day
I’ve been in the workforce for 23 years and have had two ‘generations’ of children. And with each birth, I have the same wonders and dilemmas. Career or job. I was hell bent on career with A and G but am just happy to have a job with the twins. With a job (rather than career), I can take off to go to school activities, coach softball, be a room mom–things I never did with the first pair. Yes, I make much less money than I would as a partner in a practice but having experienced this on both sides, less is more. And you CAN become a research librarian if that is what you want. And all of us would cheer you on because it’s not ‘quitting’, it’s following your dream.
I had a day today where I felt a lot like what you’ve described. I guess I have the benefit of knowing how I really feel about my job (I hate it), but also just having general doubts about things. Wondering what happiness is and how to find it, keep it and never run out of it.
I think it’s something we’ll all strive for indefinitely because it’s not real. I think it’s some ideal that doesn’t really exist, it’s just an idea out there, just lingering to torment us forever.
If nothing else, know that you’re not alone. Hell, I think you might even be normal.
Katie’s last blog post..Silver Lining
I say happiness is in your child. Happiness for me is watching my son’s face light up when I walk into his room in the morning after he wakes up; happiness is holding him after he’s fallen asleep (whether it’s for a nap or his bedtime); happiness is him running and playing and laughing; happiness is him looking at me with that beautiful, handsome, face of his and smiling at me like I’m the best mommy in the world. And yes, I do think that if you have everything that you could ever want then it’s okay to be happy. While I do want to go to work again one day I’m enjoying myself so much raising my son and being a SAHM to him, and more children one day, that I’m learning myself that it’s okay to be happy doing that and not working while other people my age are or that other friends are.
3 years ago I was diagnosed with Cancer. I remember sitting on my sofa terrified, not sure if death was right around the corner. At the time my daughter was 14 and all I could think of is how screwed up she would be if I checked out. And then I had a little epiphany, I realized that I had no regrets, and I felt like the luckiest person in the world. And then I found out that my cancer had not spread and I was going to have a really shitty year ahead of me with chemo and all , but I was going to continue to live.
Now my daughter is getting ready for college, I just had my mammogram CLEAN! and still no regrets, not even the cancer part.
So my advice, which is worthless and fleeting is make sure you have no regrets, and love your life.
Karen’s last blog post..IHT
I share this same struggle. I just left a job yesterday, and I’m already struggling with if I should find another one and pursue more with my degree, or wait…. I wish I had advice to share… sorry, I suck.
Sandy (Momisodes)’s last blog post..Unemployment? Not Really….