My Etching is Rubbed
Apr 16th, 2008 by Nola
When I was younger, I believed all the songs I’d heard about love, about it being all you need and it keeping couples together, that it was the be-all and end-all. Then I fell in love and learned love was not all you needed. That love can hurt and make you go down roads you need not go down. I became a realist at a young age.
In Captain Sarcastic, I finally found the right balance of head and heart. I loved him, and still do, completely. I think of his presence in my life and know his absence would hurt more than a shotgun blow to my chest. And he’s reliable and dependable and lots of other “-ables” that made him a logical mate for me.
We’ve been together for 10 years now and married for just over five years. I had to recount those five years three times just now to be sure. Time has flown by–that’s what Katrina and fertility treatment can do to you. And now that we have a daughter, that love is in many ways stronger.
But.
Sometimes, the act of being married can wear you down. Nietzsche wrote
If we live in too close proximity to a person, it is as if we kept touching a good etching with our bare fingers; one day we have poor, dirty paper in our hands and nothing more. A human being’s soul is likewise worn down by continual touching; at least it finally appears that way to us–we never see its original design and beauty again.
One always loses by all-too-intimate association with women and friends; and sometimes one loses the pearl of his life in the process.
I agree with Nietzsche that living close can wear you down, that it can make you forget the original design and beauty of someone. But I don’t agree that we always lose by all-too-intimate associations, by marriage. Sometimes? Definitely.
Things have been rough for me lately. Mainly due to my own insecurities–worries about money (I will never not worry about money; it’s just the way I am hard-wired) and this impending economic depression; worries about my career and any loss I may have as a result of cutting back due to having Sun (see, money again); worries about my father who was recently diagnosed with an aggressive form of prostate cancer and the fact that I can’t imagine ultimately living in a world without parents; and worries about my relationship with CS.
CS and I have been fighting. A lot. Like, every day. Partly because he dropped a ball that has real impact to us. And that ball is tied to money. Ah, money. You bitch. And partly because I dropped an equally as financially-impacting ball, too. And with each ball dropping, my base, my sense of security, the etching of my very soul, gets chinked, rubbed. And now it has been chinked and rubbed so much, so regularly, that I am raw, exposed.
And we both want to get back to where we were. We both want to rediscover each others’ original design and beauty. We love each other, even on our worst days. But that love isn’t enough to carry us to the finish line. Nor will me bathing in patchouli fix this. No; there is no quick-fix to this problem. There’s work to be done; time needed to heal, rebound, regroup. But we are up for the challenge, determined to do the work. And that resolve is there because of our love.
Good luck NOLA.
but for God’s sake please don’t let money be the cause of hardship in a relationship.
Good luck.
Xbox4NappyRash’s last blog post..Lack of adventures in babysitting
yep, an excellent post. wish there was more that i could say, b/c this post deserves it … but i’m still processing and when it comes to emotions, my processor is a commodore-64.
Ooh, Nola! I identify with everything you said, even though I’m not married. In regards to money, I’m going through the same exact struggle of worrying about being jobless, being the only income in my family, etc. Like you said, its impossible not to worry about money! I was thinking of writing an entry about it right before I read yours.
I wish there was some magic fix for those relationship issues, but I guess that would make like easy and we would all be weak individuals without some form of growth and character building. Anytime I’m in a relationships, I can’t help but think of Keats’ Ode on a Grecian Urn and how anticipation before the kiss is so much more exciting and thrilling than the actual moment. But like you said, I think there’s a way to find the way back to that original design. I also think a lot of relationships/marriages fail due to some blind notion that ONLY love is enough. Good luck!
Jane Moneypenny’s last blog post..Open Wide
The first couple of years after my son was born were probably the roughest time in my marriage. And you’re certainly not alone where money worries are concerned.
Hang in there.
Robert’s last blog post..A Photograph
Hang in there!! I wish there was something I could do to help. Even if it is just an ear to chatter into!
As a magnetic picture on my in-laws’ fridge of a man being run over by a train is captioned : THIS TOO SHALL PASS.
((((((hugs))))))
April this year is really turning into a sucky month for darn near everyone I know, anyhow.
Have so been there. So many times, on so many levels. But at some point, you have to stop and ask yourself if you will let “it” destroy you. By it, of course, you can take it to mean Money, whatever. This is a one step at a time thing. Get educated on the problem. Agree to a solution. Live by it. And things will get back on track. Marriage is full of brambles as well as fields.
I’ve lost EVERYTHING of myself in this marriage.
Maria’s last blog post..I *was* done….
Surely I did not post at your blog today. I mean, come on now.
But seriously: We all weather these storms from time to time, some of them worse than others. What encourages me about yours is that you know the love is there and you want to work to regain that good and happy place. And that understanding, my friend, is the first step in the right direction.
In the meantime, be well, stay strong and know that you are not alone. You’ll get back to where you were in due time.
All best,
Ivy
Ivy Brown’s last blog post..A Change Will Do You Good
Wow. You did an amazingly good job of capturing what you wanted to say without calling him a tool, or a dillweed or all the other adjectives that jump out of my mouth when I’m feeling this way. Major props to you.
I know you know it already, but I am totally feeling your pain. If you figure it out, please let me know. Like seriously.
Katie’s last blog post..Scheduled
I’ll quote Nietzsche too: “What does not kill me, makes me stronger.”
If what you have with CS is worth a good fight, then fight for it. Good luck.
Tara R.’s last blog post..Random Wednesday
Not to get all Biblical here…but it just made me think of the book of Timothy:
“I have fought the good fight, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith.”
Sounds like (another) good description to me.
Good luck. Your relationship is worth the fight.
Daisy Duke’s last blog post..Overtime
First of all, big hugs to you.
I’m a money worrier too. No matter how well or not-so-well we’re doing, I worry. Decisions concerning money freak me out badly.
You know that commercial (J&J, I think) that says, “Having a baby changes everything?” Well, it’s true–in all aspects, marriage included.
I hope you’re able to feel at ease soon. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help.
Lanny’s last blog post..An Extra Bite
If stuck in a constant state of suppressed panic, we do tend to lash out at those standing nearby. Those who are not moving quick enough to help us out of the mire. My only advise would be to stop and be still for one moment. Then go and read Sun her favourite book, or sit outdoors under the stars and enjoy a glass of wine with CS, or just take a hot steamy bath. Things that do not cost anything. Over the last ten years, I’ve only been able to weather all the emotional and financial crises with an iota of (outward, certainly not inward) grace, by thinking of myself as a role model for my children. It is easy to show our children how to enjoy good times, but we also, realistically, have to show them how to get through bad ones as well. That means showing our children that we (they) are never along and we reach out to those slowpokes standing next to us watching us being stuck in the mire and ask them patiently to help unstuck us.
lilalia’s last blog post..Today’s Reasons For Loving Luebeck
I’m pretty sure that it’s impossible to read whatever words used to adorn my etching. It kind of gives it character though, you know? Like the slate is clean and you can interpret or read whatever text you want into it now.
Not sure what that means but that’s kind of how I feel. Peace!
Ed
Ed (zoesdad)’s last blog post..Lost in Translation
Marriage is hard. I’m just coming out of a time when I was too close to appreciate what I have. They say it goes in phases.
Who knows…
I’m sorry I haven’t been around lately. My reader was screwed again and I hadn’t gotten a new post from you since the end of January. I can’t believe I’ve missed so much. I think it’s fixed now.
MammaLoves’s last blog post..The Lesser of Two Evils
Beautiful post. I hope that things even out for you soon.
Beautiful post. I cried. I understand you… and you are not alone. Thanks for sharing. I have been in the same situation, and all I could think to do was display to “my sun” how to love his father. As I nurtured that relationship, as I watched “my sun” grow because of his dad’s love, I was better able to cope. I also “broke-up” with my lifelong love affair with money. Cash is such a whore….goes to anybody…and true to none. (and hardwiring CAN be changed)
Soon, I could see that “life is a series of trade-offs”…and I traded off my romantic needs for “my sunshine’s needs”. This helped bring me peace.
God bless you and yours. You sound like a wonderful human being.