Not Now; Maybe Never
Jan 10th, 2008 by Nola
CS and I are talking about whether to do fertility treatment again for another baby. He reminds me of the stress I endured the first round; the pain with ovarian cysts; the emotional highs and lows.
The fertility treatment we went through, looking back, was not a bad experience. Ok, that first vaginal ultrasound was, er, unexpected. And all modesty ends up checked at the door. But it was all handled very professionally. And the results! We conceived a singleton in five months and had no miscarriages or other negative doings.
But do it all again? I still can’t get behind the idea. Here’s my problems:
1. It is a huge commitment of time. We were in that doctor’s office at least twice a week (sometimes far more than that) and each visit was at least an hour. And he saw patients trying to conceive in the afternoon (and the pregnant ones in the morning–conscientious, eh?) but not after 2:30. I was leaving work early all the time. It was not easy.
2. It is expensive. We went from clomid to the injectables, and did two intra-uterine inseminations (IUI). We spent several hundred to a few thousand dollars each month. And each step, I’d say, “This, but no more.” Clomid, but not injectables. Injectables but not inseminations. IUI but not in vitro fertilization. We got pregnant before I actually had to decide on an IVF. Knowing what I know now, I’d probably have done that too. That is serious coin. At last count, an IVF through my doc was in the neighborhood of $15,000 a pop. None of these expenses were covered by insurance.
(As an aside, if you don’t like needles, don’t consider fertility treatment. They take your blood every visit, and the injectables are just that–shots you give yourself, or in my situation, shots your husband gives you.)
3. The fear I have already discussed about multiples.
And then, add to that list my new concerns:
1. Being pregnant again. I worried so much when I was pregnant. Far more than I do as a mother. Plus, I ain’t getting younger and it gets scarier as I get older. And maternity clothes and back pain again? Not interested.
2. Delivering a baby was no walk in the park. Anesthesia and me, not friends. And the odds are that I’d need to do another c-section. Sliced open like a fillet-o-fish whilst awake. I shudder thinking about it.
3. Re-adjusting to getting a newborn to nurse again? Enduring those sleepless first three months? I love Sun. I cherish every experience I have with her. From her umbilical cord falling off to the countless problems we had getting her to nurse. Her first exploding diaper while Daddy was away for the first time, dealing with her hemangioma. All of it is a gift. I wouldn’t trade one minute, one memory, for anything.
But the stress of fertility treatment, the concern of multiples, the worry of a pregnancy, and the sleeplessness of a newborn really make me stop in my tracks. I know CS wants another child. He’d be okay with multiples. So it’s really up to me.
For now, all I can tell CS is, I’m not ready.
Stumble it!
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I will hope that clarity in the decision comes for you. It certainly sounds as if there is just so much to consider.
I have an only. I love it. She completes me. If you decide to just the one…I know that it can be a blessing as well.
Corey, thank you so much! I feel guilty feeling that one is enough! I didn’t quite realize that until I read your comment.
When Owl was a baby I was glad we had waited so long, becasue if I had been in my twenties when I had him, I would have had another. And I KNOW I couldn’t handle another. Because they don’t stay babies foever. They crawl, they walk, they talk, they have opinions about things, and these opinions often consist of NOT wanting to do what you need them to do. I am now so glad we only have one. Three is a magic number. For us. I never felt guitly feeling one is enough, but know so many people for whom it wasn’t. A chacun son gout. (or some reasonable facsimile of a french idiom without typesetting!)
I want to say something like ‘good luck’ or ‘best wishes’ but I don’t know if those sound weird or not. I just know that I want to offer support but other than saying that I don’t know quite how to put it.
OK, I’m de-lurking.
I haven’t been reading long so I didn’t know your history with infertility. I spent almost all of my 30’s on the infertility merry-go-round that wasn’t so merry. Long story short…..I never conceived. (I had a miscarriage prior to the merry-go-round. Ironically, it was unplanned.)
I’ve accepted my child-free life and I’m happy - besides having the best husband evah! Your “only” came about after a long, difficult and dedicated effort. You are blessed to have her and she is blessed to be wanted so very much. Congratulations and best wishes to you all, whatever you decide!
Thanks, Charlotte. I am sorry that the fertility treatment didn’t work for you. I know a touch of what that feels like, and it isn’t easy. You are very right, though, in that Sun was the result of a lot of difficult, dedicated effort and we are blessed to have her. You, too, are blessed to have been given the gift of acceptance. I had come to peace with having a child-free life, and there are certain aspects that I miss of it now. Life is what you make of what you are given!
Thanks for “coming out”! Hope to see you again.
Hi! Well, this post brought me out of lurkdom
I just wanted to let you know that your post really hit home with me. It sounds like we went through a lot of the same things. After years of infertility and all of those wonderful treatments we conceived my beautiful 14 month old DD. We conceived right before we had to make the decision between IVF and adoption. I am having a lot of the same thoughts as you regarding #2, I’m not sure if I can go through all of that again. When you mentioned having to “deal” with Sun’s hemangioma and that being one of your factors I totally understand. My daughter was born with a cleft palate so that also added to a lot of the “what do I do?” thoughts.
So, I just wanted you to know you aren’t alone and I totally know where you are coming from. Take care and my thoughts and prayers are with you.
you will know the right answer one day. give it time.
Mishel, thanks for your comment. As always, it is much appreciated!
Amy, thanks for sharing. There is safety in numbers!!
Belle, you are right–in time, I will know what’s right. And for now, one is the right number.
Jon & Kate + 8 would be enough to scare me away from it, but then I think raising singles is hard enough. Some people can handle it. They say that God never gives us more than we can handle. (Sometimes I wonder..) Good luck whatever you decide!
You know some of my story already. The other part is that the twins come from donor eggs. Because of my ‘advanced age’–41–(gasp), having only one ovary and the fact that I had had my tubes tied…we ended up deciding on using a donor. There was much soul-searching about that..but then women use sperm-donors all the time and it’s well accepted. Never does the fact that I am not genetically related ever cross my mind…and I am convinced that Nurture outweighs Nature. Being the recipient involves half the shots but still some of the hormonal hysteria.
But you are ready when you are ready and if your choice is one child, then that is it. Your choice. And as a pro-choice woman in all aspects of my life, I’ll back you on it.