Again with the Counting
Aug 13th, 2007 by admin
I go back to work in four weeks. It may as well be next week for the amount of time I spend thinking about it. I am starting to get inquiries by my clients and my partners to do work. And I resist because I know its a slippery slope–once I start to do work, it will be like bloody waters to sharks (no lawyer jokes, please)–others will find out I am “back to work” and also call on me to do “a little job” for them. So I keep putting work off.
But I am starting to feel the pressure of things left unfinished that Friday when I left the office thinking I was coming back the following Monday–Sun WAS born three weeks earlier than my C-section was scheduled. So I am feeling the pull to at least return to those files.
When I think about returning to work, I get scared. It is similar to the feeling I had about simply having a baby–that general how-is-this-gonna-work scared. Here’s my list of worries:
1. I will miss Sun. But that is a good thing! I will be able to get away and have perspective and return full of feelings for her. I will still be home four out of seven days a week and so will CS. The only day not covered by either of us is Wednesday, and we have that worked out (and I am happy to say that I am not worried about that plan). So this whole missing Sun is a “checked worry”–meaning it is on my list, but it is checked as being something I need not worry about.
2. Working part-time (or at least part-time in the office) won’t work. The thing is, if it doesn’t work out, my decision will not be to return to full time. It will be to leave my current work situation. That is scary but doable. So this too is a checked worry.
3. Pumping and/or nursing won’t work out. Now here’s a topic I can sink my teeth into. I worry I will be leaking all over my desk; that I will have a reduced milk flow; that I’ll get mastitis again; that I will be a slave to a schedule of pumping and nursing. Worst case, I quit altogether. But I worry about the consequences of that too–to me and to Sun. This is one I cannot check off. Plus, how do I transition back to pumping on the three days I am in the office from the seven days a week I am home now doing all I can to get Sun nursing exclusively? My maternity leave to date has been spent getting this baby to nurse without me needing to pump. And in four weeks, I need to change that. All the trouble I’ve had with nursing makes me really fear this transition. I can’t afford to get sick again and then miss work over it! I’ve read La Leche League’s and other websites about transitioning, but really, they aren’t helping. So I am turning to working/nursing moms (or former working/nursing moms) to help!
In the meantime, I keep telling myself, “Stay in THIS moment. This moment. Now.” Even though this moment is consumed with nursing problems, it’s work-free and deserves to be that way. It is no more fair that I think of work now than I think of Sun while doing work later.
Focus, Nola, on just this moment.
Stumble it!
I really remember being at the stage you are now. It is tough. Enjoy each day–as hard as it is.
As for pumping at work. You will have to be good about taking the time to pump. As long as you have an office with a door that closes, you can still get things done like reading and eventually email (you’ll be able to figure out how to type and pump at the same time).
The way I did it was that I nursed whenever I was with the baby. Once I went to work, I pumped every three to four hours to try to stay on the schedule that the baby would be on. So right before lunch and in the late afternoon (with enough time so that by the time I got home I was ready to nurse again–or within an hour or so).
The mastitis will return if you don’t pump frequently enough. But you should be able to maintain a level of production if you just look at pumping as a replacement for nursing.
Sorry if this is going on. Please feel free to email me if you want to discuss. mammaloves@gmail.com
I vividly remember going back to work with my first. I also went back 3 days and ya know what? It actually worked out. If your employer is willing to be flexible and you can focus during those three days it is amazing how much you get done. So don’t sweat it. You will be fine. Also, summon help for others. When I went on maternity leave they had to have 4 people cover my responsibilities and only gave 50% of them back to me upon return because they said I had enough work for 3 full-time people. So only take what you need to. At first I felt slighted, but realized I did have too much on my plate and with only 3 days I needed to focus on the really important stuff.
I quit breastfeeding before I went back (4 months old) so I can’t help you with that one!
BTW, I am trying to rejoin the working world again after 3 years off to stay at home with my kids. Doing out of necessity and have really mixed feelings. Trying to look at it as a forced positive, but it feels like the days when I had to go back after maternity leave. Same feelings. Same guilt. Same anxiety.
I am there with ya girl!