Time for Some New Tires
Jul 6th, 2007 by admin
Sun still isn’t nursing. And I am starting to feel it will never come. I go from one extreme to the other. I’ll start the day conspiratorially saying to Sun that today will be the day–I’ll be sure she is good and hungry and then I’ll be very patient and think to myself, “We’ll just go until it comes.” I will it to happen. But it doesn’t happen and my patience wears thin and I get frustrated and want to throw in the towel.
Then I calm down a bit and continue to pump, pump, pump throughout the day. And I put off the decision of whether to continue to try to get Sun to nurse or maybe accept that she can be a breast-milk-bottle-fed baby. But all that pumping gets on my nerves too–I am quite sore and it seems that no matter what I do, I cannot get my milk supply to increase. Sun will soon catch up with what I’ve pumped and will need to take formula to supplement what she needs to ingest daily anyway.
So then I have thoughts of not pumping either–of going
And when CS leaves for work in the mornings, oh the feelings of jealousy I have! He gets to be free of this house, of me, of (dare I say it) Sun for several hours. I just feel am umbilical cord of my own tying me to this house, to this damn pump. Sucking my freedom, my self, my very identity. I just want to get away . . . but I can’t ’cause I’ll need to pump in less than an hour an a half.
And then this creeps into my mind: Is it really all this pumping that is bothering me or is the pump the scapegoat? Is what I really am dealing with post-partem depression? I don’t have feelings of harming myself or Sun (or CS for that matter). But I do find that I am crying a lot, and crying over things that are hard for me to articulate. This post is the best I’ve had at actually putting words to it.
I fully expected to have to wrestle with PPD, my nature being what it is. But the thing about depression is that it is a slow leak. It creeps and creeps without me being aware until I am driving on my rims. And I certainly feel that I have four flats right now.
Stumble it!
Yes. My heart goes out to you. It’s normal, and it’s real, and you shouldn’t feel guilty. Everyone talks about the joys, and then we have to figure out for ourselves that its hard, so hard. Not just the physical part of it, but its hard to come to terms with the thought that we may not want to be mothers every minute of every day. Going out for a movie and a drink with friends, followed by a night of totally uninterrupted sleep seems like a dream, but then we feel bad for admitting to ourselves, let alone anyone else, that we’d rather be doing something else than watching her every breath!
It’s normal, its fine, its hormonal. It has nothing to do with being a bad mother, or a selfish one. It will pass. I’m no expert, but as long as you don’t actually have an irresistible urge to hurt anyone (like yourself, or her), it will be OK. Having an irresistible urge to hurt CS is not symptomatic of anything, it’s just rational behaviour. (OK, I just threw that in for comic effect. Please, dude, no hard feelings)
I know how you research everything, so I won’t bother to throw any links in here, but I think it’s easier to get through if you remind yourself that its a tunnel, and your perception is altered, but things really WILL get better. And better and better. And there will still be days you wished she lived out of state and you could go a whole day without changing a diaper and yelling “no, take that out of your mouth” But that’s the future.
I nursed for 7 months and I don’t think there was a single day that I didn’t cry and say to myself or to anyone who would listen that it was the last day. It is hard and it is a huge sacrifice-all of it, nursing,being a mom etc. So do not feel one bit guilty for a. the way you feel or b.quitting if that will get you through this time. I think it is really hard for anyone other than new moms going through it at the exact time you are to know or remember what it is like to have a newborn. It is truly a miracle and one of the happiest times of your life but it’s also hands down one of the loneliest times in your life. I can’t explain it. and as supportive as a husband can be, don’t get me wrong, mine was the best, they still cannot know b/c they go back to work and some sense of normalcy. I went to 4 pediatricians (we evacuated when W was 10 days old) and to each one I would ask the same question, crying all the while…How important is it that I breastfeed? The only one who made me feel guilty was the redneck in bumble—-, NC. But my favorite reply was from my current pediatrician that told me that of course they encourage breastfeeding but that it’s okay if I don’t. He said he opinion would be different if we lived in a third world country where it is an absolute necessity that the child gets the nutrients from our milk. I’ve said enough, Sorry to ramble but I can’t forget feeling the exact same way. Hang in there. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.