The OB tells me today that Sun is being scheduled for a C-section delivery on June 29th. She may come sooner, but if not (and she stays breech), we will be doing a C-section in one month (two weeks before her due date).

Well, well. On the one hand, I am relieved. All this monitoring is a drag, and to have a date set is somewhat reassuring. And she could still flip which would cause them to induce instead of do a C-section.

But it just all seems so surreal. In one short month (or sooner), I will be a mother. And CS will be a father. And I still have no idea how to do most of any of this baby stuff. I am confident it will come to me. It’s not that I am worried I won’t be a “good mother.” It’s just that I still haven’t fully wrapped my head around the fact that I will be a “mother.” That is a label I never really get to a comfortable place with. On some level, I fell like a dog who always chases cars–except this time the dog caught a car and is going “thump, thump, thump” down the street.

The energy that has been put into getting pregnant and maintaining this pregnancy has been very time consuming–and distracting of the fact that the result of all that energy is a baby. Period. It was all for this one thing. I mean, we KNEW that the baby was the end result. But I allowed myself to get so focused on the process that sometimes I haven’t seen the forest for the trees. And right now, I feel like I am coming out of the forest, and the trees are thinning out and in the horizon is my pot of gold. All shiny and perfect and waiting for me.

But somehow I know that what I think the value of that pot of gold is isn’t what it really is. And the real journey will begin when I lay my very own eyes on my very real baby–not ultrasound pictures or mental images–but on Sun her very own self. I don’t see how it’s possible to be prepared for that moment. The moment when I will meet who I know will be the most important person in my life.