NOLA Notes

My parents had a rocky start with Captain Sarcastic when he was first brought around to them. I had waited for them to meet each other until I was inclined to think my relationship with CS had some potential future. My parents are very “old school.” CS is very, well, sarcastic. This is not a good blend. Even I had enough sense to know this new beau I was so into may not come off so kindly in the eyes of my folks.

After some time, however, introductions were made and CS began accompanying me to family gatherings. At one such gathering, my parents were barbecuing at their home. At some point, CS and I were in the kitchen along with my mother and one of my brothers and a couple of my nephews. CS asked for mayonnaise to put on his burger. My eyes shot to him–I had forgotten to warn him what would come of such a request.

CS looked at me, puzzled at my darting eyes, and mistook my look for thinking him rude in not getting the mayo himself. Simultaneously, he walked to the refrigerator and my mother to the pantry. He did not find the mayo in the fridge. My mother, however, returned from the pantry with the mayo in hand. I smirked, thinking I knew just where this was going. CS immediately balked, “That mayo isn’t any good. It’s opened and hasn’t been refrigerated.” I braced for my mother’s response, but was truly caught off guard with what she said. “Oh,” she said coolly, “that’s a conspiracy.” Yes, she said “conspiracy.” About mayonnaise. And she was serious. Very serious.

My dear boyfriend, being his sarcastic self, responded, “Really? It’s a conspiracy? This warning printed on the label, ‘Refrigerate after opening,’ is a conspiracy? A conspiracy by whom? For what purpose?” My brother and nephews and I were now in full throttle laughter. But then I noticed that my mother was offended by CS–his nerve in questioning her–and embarrassed at us all laughing at her (as she saw it). Uh, oh. My mother stated curtly, “Once you refrigerate it and take it out, it goes bad. If you never refrigerate it, it never goes bad.”

I had stopped laughing, knowing my mother was defensive, but poor CS didn’t have a chance. He jumped right back, “Oh, okay (like he was talking to a 4 year old). But mayo has eggs in it. Raw eggs. That doesn’t need to be refrigerated?”

I jumped in at last to mediate: “My family has never refrigerated mayonnaise. And growing up, I always ate it out of the pantry. And no one in our family has ever gotten sick from bad mayonnaise. Now, maybe that’s because there were a lot of us eating it pretty quickly and it never had time to go bad. But maybe not. Let’s leave it at that.” Feathers were all sorts of ruffled, but the topic was left alone; and neither CS nor I put mayo on our burgers.

CS still has never eaten a lick of mayonnaise at my parents’ house and he never will. He has also learned that it is not wise to ask for Pepto-Bismol at their home, either. If you do ask for it, you will have the glass bottle of it that is at least 20 years old brought to you. I recall this bottle from my childhood. My mother’s thoughts on the Pepto is that the worst that can happen is that the medicine will have lost its effectiveness and not help you. I have concerns it may blow a hole in your intestines. So we disagree on this point. And I am not woman enough to give it a gulp and find out who is right.