Let me start by saying that this was the most fun I think I have had since alcohol was cut out of my life. Prime people watching!

I arrived 15 minutes before the wedding was scheduled to take place. A gaggle of my relatives arrived soon after me. Then one of the guests took his shirt off (this shirt would be put back on and taken off throughout the day for no apparent reason). When my uncle saw this man, he said to me, “No shirt IS the attire. Oh.” I responded, “Yes, and apparently teeth are optional.” Unfortunately for me, the first two things I tend to notice about someone is his teeth and his shoes. Lots of gaping grins and black boots were in attendance.

I popped inside to say hi to the bride and saw the cake. It is hard to say it wasn’t what I expected because I really didn’t give a lot of thought as to what I expected. And here’s the groom’s cake–it’s a net of seafood in honor of the fact that the groom is a crabber/fisherman. Both cakes looked nicer than anything I would have anticipated. The heat of the day took its toll on the cake, though–the top tier melted and slid off before it was cut. The bride was hella pissed.

Back outside, I couldn’t help but notice the Harley-Davidson Chinese lanterns hanging from the tent. And then I spied the table centerpieces: fishbowls filled with water with a miniature Harley motorcycle at the bottom amidst black marbles. Hmmm. Interesting. My aunt asked if I had noticed the fish inside. Wha?? So upon closer inspection, I saw this–each bowl had a black or gold fish in it. This aunt explained to me (I must have given a puzzled look) that the fish, again, were because the groom was a fisherman. Well, now that was just something.

As the day wore on, these fish bowls began to disappear. Then I noticed a guest LEAVING with one. I teased my aunt that she should check for a number under her seat–maybe she won the centerpiece of our table. My five year old first cousin once removed was eager to take “Harley” home with her. Let’s wish Harley all the best in his new home. Others of the fish did not survive the heat of the day. Alas.

Here’s a shot of just a few of the bikes that arrived for the event. My sister and brother-in-law came over on theirs. My sister commented about my sandals (I polished my toenails for this event–a sparkly lavender!) and said her hubs wouldn’t let her wear sandals. I asked why and she said that he felt driving on a Harley with sandals was unsafe. “Yes,” I giggled, “THAT is what’s unsafe about riding a Harley.” We both got a laugh on that one.

Then we settled into our seats and the ceremony was under way. Here is a very shady picture of the Harley the bride was driven in on. He did not drive her to the –what do you call the area where one marries when not in a church? Instead, he dropped her off with her maidens of honor. Then he drove up the aisle. Note the artificial rose petals. True to their word, the entire wedding party was in jeans. One guest even wore black leather pants (I’d have passed out in the heat).

Here’s the couple exchanging vows. As the groom was saying his vows, a guest screamed out, “That’s a laugh!” They had a heckler! I asked the groom afterwards what happened to them exchanging vows on the Harleys as I had heard was to happen. He responded with a laugh, “I don’t know where these rumors get started.”

As quick as it started, the ceremony was over and we were back at the tables. Being pregnant, I was one of the first to eat. The food was quite tasty–the bride made her delicious crab and cheese soup, and there was also jambalaya, baked mac and cheese, mini muffalettas, some eggplant/shrimp casserole, finger sandwiches, mini meatballs, and more!

And I was surprised too by the showing of booze. Not only did they have wines that would require corkscrews, but they also had Grey Goose vodka.

I also saw things that I think are apropos for a redneck wedding: one of the groom’s ex-wives, a guest’s dog, line dancing, and (my favorite) a LACE do-rag!! CS likes that I got her on a good exhale!

I had a grand ole time at this wedding that I thought would blow chunks. And instead I really appreciated that the guests were having a really good time–they were relaxed and being themselves. Hey, it isn’t my dream wedding, but it isn’t my wedding! So I applaud the happy couple for having the nerve or whatever you call it to do it just the way they wanted it. How often do weddings end up being a compromised affair that results in a dull event for all?? That was not this wedding!

But I haven’t been catty at all! So let me go back to this ex for a minute. I barely liked her when she was actually a part of the family. Now she just really annoys the crap outta me. I smiled and said hi to her at about the time we are all walking to our seats for the ceremony. My brother, a far kinder soul than I, asked how she was doing. I overheard her tell him this: “It was really difficult for me to be here today. It took all I had. But they insisted I come.” WHATEVER!! By “they,” she of course means the happy couple. She explained to someone else that when her son asked what she’d be getting the couple for a wedding present she responded, “I gave him a divorce; isn’t that enough?” Piece of work, this one is.

So anyways, during the ceremony, I notice the ex has a CAMERA in her hands. If this is so hard on her, why on earth is she taking pictures?? I’d have bet good money on her showing up, and I’d have bet more good money on her staying until the bitter end. If it were my ex’s wedding that I didn’t want to attend but did so because the couple insisted, I’d be outta there ten minutes after that ceremony. This ex? As I was leaving, they were gathering the single women for the bride to throw the bouquet, and don’t you know she was front and center!