A Problem of No Suffering
by Nola
You know those experiences in your life, the ones that all but break you–but you survived and damned if you aren’t stronger for the whole thing? I’ve got my fair share of those. I’ve already posted about one of my earliest ones, but there are, oh, so many more. Most of these experiences were downright negative at the time, but some where just very scary. I don’t handle change well, good or bad, and seeing a large, looming change on the horizon can do quite the number on me. During these experiences, there always seems to be one song that I associate with the experience such that the song and the experience are completely intertwined.
Yesterday I was listening to the Indigo Girls. “Closer to Fine” is one of those songs. The experience that song recalls for me wasn’t negative at all, actually, but was very significant in my growth as an individual. I can’t hear that song and not think of that experience. Then there’s the Subdudes “Message Man” that I cried to the day after I got a rejection letter from what I knew would be my “dream job.” That letter cinched that I’d spend an extra year in school out of state getting yet another degree. It scared the bejesus out of me to think about. In the end, it was just as it should have been. I met one of my best friends that year and that schooling altered the course of my career.
I don’t have any new songs that fit into this category–none since I met Captain Sarcastic and started working where I am currently employed (almost a decade ago). I am reminded of the dialog towards the end of “Little Miss Sunshine” (if you missed this little gem, add it to your Netflix queue immediately!):
Dwayne: I wish I could just sleep until I was eighteen and skip all this crap-high school and everything-just skip it.
Frank: You know Marcel Proust?
Dwayne: He’s the guy you teach.
Frank: Yeah. French writer. Total loser. Never had a real job. Unrequited love affairs. Gay. Spent 20 years writing a book almost no one reads. But he’s also probably the greatest writer since Shakespeare. Anyway, he uh… he gets down to the end of his life, and he looks back and decides that all those years he suffered, Those were the best years of his life, ’cause they made him who he was. All those years he was happy? You know, total waste. Didn’t learn a thing. So, if you sleep until you’re 18… Ah, think of the suffering you’re gonna miss. I mean high school? High school-those are your prime suffering years. You don’t get better suffering than that.
Can it be that I am in my “happy years”? And not to be trite and quote yet another movie, but is this is as good as it gets? I am not ungrateful or regretful of where my life has taken me, but it’s just that those experiences that peppered my “suffering years” also so helped define who I’ve become that in some ways I feel incomplete now. Like the suffering was normal and being happy is just the hiatus until the suffering starts again. Maybe someone more optimistic would say that finding happiness is my reward for my suffering. I don’t know.
I wonder if experiencing the birth of my child and being a new parent will give rise to a new song being added to my Wurlitzer of personal growth. And if so, whether it’ll be a slow bluesy song or one by the Wiggles.
Oh boy, believe me when I say this is just a pause and you certainly have more suffering ahead. Giving birth, the first time the baby gets sick, going back to work (if you do)… there are so many really hard but worthwhile parts of motherhood. I feel like I grew infinitely(and not just around the waistline!) during the past three years.
Well, yes, if it’s suffering you seek, buy a Wiggles CD!
“Closer to Fine” got me through law school. I hated law school. I had to refocus and not think of it as a time of my life I was meant to enjoy, but as a means to an end – the meaningless task I had to endure, and plow through, to grasp the brass ring at the end. That song helped me realize that.
The collective mind of all the parents who blog seem to suggest that in parenthood, you will find so much joy, and so much gut wrenching guilt, and not a small degree of sadness, that the idea of a dark point or bright point in your life will recede into the distance. The best time and the worst time happen on the same day, and it changes so fast, your head is spinning!
One day, holding my 4 week old baby in my arms, I was chatting with my plumber, fixing the tub (a friend of my husband, with several kids of his own, all grown). He saw my sleeplessness, and doubt, and how much I was missing being at the office, in regular clothes, talking with other adults. He said: “It just keeps getting better.” From deep within my post partum depression, I held on to that – not seeing it, but wanting to believe it.
He was right! Every little milestone, every smile, every new experience, it gets a little better. I don’t see it as a lull, or a time in my life that there’s no growth. I guess you can let it be, but I doubt you will.
Your jukebox will contain new music, but I think some of us do get to leave the high school prime suffering years behind.
Your post has really made me think alot. I reserve the right to change my mind about this.
We shall wait and see.
I definitely added to my Wurlitzer after giving birth. I remember waking up the first morning after my first and all of the sudden understanding Helen Reddy’s “I am Woman.” Cliche yes. But man, do you have one of the most incredibly empowering experiences ahead of you. It’s like you learn a secret. I’m very very excited for you.