Captain Sarcastic came home with a Wii about two months ago. This is a man thing–video games, I mean. We had an X-Box. I say “had” because Captain Sarcastic decided to “mod it” by soldering its motherboard. Not only did he FRY it, its guts were exposed forever thereafter. That was the first time I knew of that Captain Sarcastic ever attempted something, failed, and gave up. That was two years ago. Before it was fried, I had enjoyed watching the boys play Halo (gotta love that flashlight!). But I personally could not play it. I was one of those people that got dizzy just trying to make my guy walk straight. The only game I could play was Frogger Beyond. At the end of each level, however, it had a more difficult task you’d need to accomplish to move forward. For that task, I’d have to call in Captain Sarcastic to be my “closer” because I was too uncoordinated to accomplish it.

About six months ago, Captain Sarcastic traded in the fried X-Box for the new X-Box 360. He played Halo 2, Dead Rising, Lost Planet, and Gears of War. He seemed to like the games–it at least kept him from complaining about the crap I watch on TV and occasionally made him laugh.

So when he showed up with the Wii, I was really confused–except for the fact that Captain Sarcastic is an electronics junkie, and if it’s new and has wires (or, better yet, is wireless), he’s gotta have it. I inquired into the reason for his purchase, and all I got for an answer was, “Give it a week. We’ll be calling it the Shii ’cause it’ll be ALL YOU!” Hmpf. We do have a TiVo that IS affectionately known as ShiVo–but that’s television. A video game that I am addicted to? Good luck.

So he hooks it up and we do a few games of bowling. Apparently, I suck in virtual bowling about as much as real bowling. I will not get addicted to this. Although my game did improve after about the fourth round. It was novel, but not addictive. Then he brought home Rayman–that cute little guy that attacks bunnies and dances. This was certainly more entertaining than bowling. It confirmed that I have no rhythm. Like I needed that. Again, not addictive. But fun.

Then he pushed it. He brought home Zelda. At first, I thought it’d be like all the other games–hard for me to move my guy and that I’d get killed before I could do any killin’ myself. But it occurred to me that the Wii is apparently designed for 9 year olds. They give you more lives the more you progress (I am up to, like, 12), let you die and come back to where you were killed without having to start all over, and the enemies move slow ’til you get the hang of killin’ ‘em. I swear, it was made for me!

Then it happened: I got addicted. When away from home (at work, out to dinner with friends, at the doctor’s office) I’d think of the level I was on and the things I needed to do to get to the next level. I’d search online for “cheats” on how to get past the thing that was slowin’ me down. When I walked in my front door, I thought, “I gotta Wii!” I’d just let TiVo do its job while I slashed away on Zelda. Then it started to get like Frogger–I’d get to the end of a level, and they’d have some baddie I could not get past. Captain Sarcastic initially swooped in as my closer again. It’d drive me nuts if he wasn’t home and I had to WAIT for him. Or worse, he started to tell me was, like, busy and would not stop what he was doing to close for me. He’d MAKE me wait. What the hell was this? He put the needle in my arm and now didn’t want to push the plunger? That was cruel and unfair. I got more aggressive the more I played. So here’s a pregnant woman with back aches and bitchy about the Wii and a husband who won’t take the five minutes it’d take to solve all her woes. I was not happy.

I got about 95% of the way through the game and asked Captain Sarcastic what I’d do with myself once I was done. He said, “same thing when you finished Frogger–not play video games for two years.” Then I got stuck on another baddie. This was about two weeks ago, and Captain Sarcastic just didn’t get me past it. As each day went by, the urge to play got less and less. He asked the other day, “Where are you on Zelda?” I answered, “Waiting on you.” “Really?” he asked. Yes, really. And I don’t care anymore. Apparently I went through withdrawal and it’s all out of my system. If only all addictions just took your hubby ignoring them to go away!

So in the end, Captain Sarcastic was right–it did become the Shii (for a few weeks, anyway). But I was right, too–it’s no ShiVo.